Harry Potter: Dear FanFiction Writers
by Callidora-Malfoy
Summary: Letters from extremely annoyed Harry Potter characters to us, the FanFiction writers, complaining about what we've been writing about them and trying to set the record straight. . *** NEW CHAPTER: ROXANNE WEASLEY ***
1. Sanguini

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Vampires do NOT sparkle.

**Sincerely, Sanguini.**


	2. Severus Snape

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My hair is greasy. Yes, I've accepted it. It is not raven-black soft slick hair that is soft as a feather.

**Sincerely, Severus Snape.**


	3. Albus Dumbledore

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

There is no record of a Miss Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way having ever attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore.**

P.S. Hogwarts does not accept transfer students.


	4. Blaise Zabini

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My surname is _not_ Zambini. Learn to spell damn Muggles.

**Sincerely, Blaise Zabini.**

P.S. I am a _boy_ for the love of Merlin!


	5. Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

James was my best friend. I was not having an affair with Lily behind his back. My love for Lily stretched only as far as friendship so please stop insinuating that it was more than that. James is a very jealous man and he has one hell of a stinging jinx!

**Sincerely, Sirius Black.**

P.S. I do not have a long lost son called Jacob - yes all you Twiharders know _exactly_ what I'm talking about!


	6. Draco Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I know I am devilishly handsome and can understand why you all crave me but I love my wife Astoria.

I have not and never will have extra-marital relations with:

1.) Hermione Granger. (_She is a mudblood for crying out loud!_)

2.) Ginny Weasley. (_A Weasley? Seriously ... I wouldn't touch her if it were a choice between her and a barge pole._)

3.) Luna Lovegood. (_I don't date the certified insane._)

4.) Pansy Parksinson. (_I slept with her once, why would I need to again?)_

5.) Daphne Greengrass. (_She is my sister-in law!_)

6.) Harry Potter. (_You people are sick_.)

7.) Ron Weasley. (_*pukes* That is *vomits* so *retches* repulsive._)

8.) Severus Snape. (_That is simply perverse. Excuse me while I gouge my eyes out._)

9.) Lucius Malfoy (_Sweet Circe he is my Father. My FATHER._)

_Or_ any other person who you conjure up to pair me with. I seem to remember someone once pairing me with the Giant squid. *shudders*

**Sincerely, a thoroughly disgusted Draco Malfoy.**


	7. Harry Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Have you even read my life story? I am the _boy_ who lived. The _boy_. I hope that clears up any gender confusion. But seriously, how many girls do you know called Harry?

While I'm here I may as well set the record straight, no pun intended, in that I am as straight as a ruler. Straight, do you hear that? I don't know what gave you the impression that I like men in that way. Malfoy I can understand, I've seen all that hair gel and grooming, but me?

_ME?_ Come _on_.

There is only one girl for me, Ginny Weasley. Besides, I wouldn't be a true Potter if I didn't go for a red-headed girl, it's in our blood!

And no, I don't have a 'Mummy-complex' whatever that means.

One last thing I am an _only_ child. I do not have a secret long-lost sibling or evil twin thank you very much.

**Sincerely, Harry Potter.**


	8. Moaning Myrtle

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am dead, so excuse me for being miserable about it! It's not like I've got my whole life ahead of me to squander.

Yes, I cry. And yes, I can moan an awful lot, but you try being dead for 50 years!

HUMPH!

*dives into toilet*

**Sincerely, Moaning Myrtle.**


	9. Pansy Parkinson

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am not a gold-digging harpy head-over-heels in love with Draco Malfoy. Draco is a friend, we dated briefly in school but that's all. Besides, I am a Parkinson: a well respected and wealthy pureblood family. I have my own gold, why would I need to dig anybody elses?

Besides, if I _did _need to dig some gold I'd invest in a niffler.

**Sincerely, Pansy Parkinson.**

P.S. Can you stop with all the nose jabs! *scowls* It's not_ really_ pug-shaped. Is it? *looks in mirror*


	10. Lucius Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I would never beat my son. I, Lucius Malfoy, epitome of pureblood elitism would never lower myself to something so _muggle._

**Sincerely, Lucius Malfoy.**

P.S. I may be a "Luscious Mouthful" but refrain from calling me that or I may have to Avada you. *flicks hair*


	11. Molly Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My throat hurts. It must be all that shouting finally catching up with me. I'll have to pop down to the apothecary later and get a potion to sort it out.

I was going to shout at you for a bit - other than cooking, shouting is what I do best - but I don't want to sound like a broken wireless. Though, if my wireless did malfunction and started playing 'A Cauldron Full of Hot Strong Love' on repeat I wouldn't mind.

Anyway, my point is my children have each already asked you, warned you and even threatened you countless times, but you still continue to write about us. Please read the following points and you would do well to remember them.

1.) I love Arthur. I will only ever be in love with him.

2.) I never dated Lucius Malfoy while I was at Hogwarts.

3.) Nor am I infatuated with Gilderoy Lockhart.

4.) I am not an overbearing, smothering mother. There is a thing called caring for your children. Or would you rather I act like Harry's aunt and uncle?

5.) None of my children have loose morals, nor have they ever cheated on their respective partners. True love may be hard for some of you to comprehend but when you find the one, well, you wouldn't trade them for the world.

6.) My parents never disowned me. Honestly. Nor were they allied with the Death Eaters.

7.) The next time you decide to insult my family, just remember that in my family we have: a curse breaker, a dragon tamer, a Ministry official, pranksters, a Quidditch player/journalist and several Aurors. Do not mess with the Weasleys.

**Sincerely, Molly Weasley.**

P.S. _Nobody_ makes a better Christmas cake than me!

Nobody.

*brandishes wand*


	12. Arthur Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

You muggles are simply wonderful! The intaarnet is such a fascinating invention. I must find a way to integrate it into the wizarding world. And the fact that you write stories about us is fantastic!

Also to clear up: Bill is married to Fleur. Charlie is single. Percy is married to Audrey. Fred is dead, RIP my son. George is married to Angelina. Ron is married to Hermione. Ginny is married to Harry, and I am married to Mollywob- Ah! I mean Molly. My children have asked you many times and now I am asking you not to pair any of us Weasleys with other people. We are all happily married and Charlie is more than content with his dragons.

Personally, I was flattered by the many stories about me but please remember that Molly is the one and only love of my life and I would never betray her trust to have secret relations with anyone, least of all with Lucius Malfoy! He is a Death Eater, one of the worst at that, not to mention I despise the man. He doesn't have an honourable bone in him. And Hermione, she is my wonderful daughter-in-law and is married to my son, Ron. I was surprised when I saw the Arthur/Hermione pairings, I actually fell out of my seat! Please stop writing these. The same goes for the Arthur/Tonks and Arthur/Amelia stories; they are two very brave souls who are now dead. Have some respect for them.

I am pleased, however, that there are so many Molly/Arthur stories, especially about our times at Hogwarts together. Some actually have quite accurate details but I'll mention this: Molly was never kidnapped by the Giant Squid and I didn't save her. Though, it would be a very Gryffindor-esque thing to do, but let me remind you my wife is no damsel in distress, they say no part of Bellatrix Lestrange was ever found after Molly was done with her.

On that note, though, I would like to mention that Molly does _not_ wear the trousers in the house, she clearly only ever wears dresses!

Oh! Before I forget I should mention that I have finally figured out the function of a rubber duck!

**Sincerely, Arthur Weasley.**

P.S. What are the mooveys? Harry is always going on about them ...


	13. Bill Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Teddy's dating Victoire, eh? Guess I'll have to have a _friendly_ chat with our favourite Metamorphmagus. Hey, hey, wait a sec, before you start going off on your own tangents and thinking that I'll go all _Ron_ on the kid, that's not what I meant. I'm not going to get up in his grill.

Breaking is what I'm good at. I break curses night and day, chuck a few other things into the mix that I need to break and I'll be fine. I just wanted to let Teddy know that if he breaks my little girl's heart, I'll break him.

Kidding.

Don't tell me you believed that. I'm not like Ron, who forbade Rose to befriend, let alone date, Scorpius Malfoy. Little does my naive little brother know, Rose has been doing exactly that. But that's another story completely.

Anyway, write whatever the hell you like, it doesn't affect me either way. I got the girl, who I love to bits. I have fantastic children. I've got loads of great nephews and nieces, so I'm happy.

You could be a gem, though, and write some more Harry/Malfoy stuff. I actually rolled on the floor laughing when I first read this pairing, Fleur thought I was going all _wolf_ on her, or something. But the tomato-red Harry turns everytime I mention it, well, that is just too good to pass up. And when George gets going on the Ron/Snape stuff no one can contain their laughter.

Keep up the hilarious work!

**Sincerely, Bill Weasley.**


	14. Charlie Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Last time I checked I wasn't married. Unless I've got that wrong and have a dozen wives hidden somewhere? *insert sarcasm*

I know it might be hard for some of you to comprehend but I don't need a woman, or man for that matter, in my life. I'm happy as I am. Besides, I'd rather not put up with all that female drama, my mother and Ginny were enough for a lifetim- DAMMIT!

Sorry Ginny just threw a book at me. It must be that time of the month. Oh, and now she's snogging Harry. And I just ate. Typical!

Ah, girls, I'll never understand them.

And you wonder why I prefer being single?

At least with my dragons I don't have to deal with all this "feelings" crap. Females are emotional hurricanes, which are best to steer clear of. Sorry to disappoint but I won't be having any secret affairs with any of my sister-in-laws anytime soon. But I do appreciate the hunky descriptions of yours truly, really, I am flattered.

*flashes smile*

Is it the red-hair? I read once that its a sort of aphrodisiac. Oh wait, Mundungus is ginger so it can't be that, people of the female variety tend to avoid him like a house elf with the bloody plague!

Oh, another thing I never had a thing going on with Tonks. She's a mate, that's all. Besides, it was Bill who my mother wanted her to marry. After all, not even an Auror can tame a dragon tamer. While I'm writing I may as well mention that I don't intend on quitting my job and working as Care of Magical Creatures professor at Hogwart's anytime soon.

Cheers.

**Sincerely, Charlie Weasley.**

P.S. Please tell the un-researched muggle writers of Dragonheart, Merlin, Eragon and Mulan, that dragons _cannot_ talk!


	15. Percy Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Is it a crime to like reading books? Is it? Because all of you people who spend time reading and writing books are _just_ like me. Yet, you feel the need to make a mockery out of me and my hobbies. What about Hermione? She likes to read too, but _no_ 'lets pick of Percy the book nerd instead'. What did I ever do to any of you?

So, I don't like Quidditch and am an epic failure at the sport, but I take it all of _you_ are super athletic and great at everything you try, you might even be the next Viktor Krum!... Exactly. Didn't think so. So I'm not the most popular guy, but popularity if over-rated anyway and I am more than happy with who I am.

Furthermore how in the name of Merlin do you derive me as the "worst" or "least likeable" Weasley? Okay, I've made my mistakes and I'll hold my hands up to all of them. I was wrong and I shouldn't have turned away from my family but all I was ever trying to do was make a good life, to bring some good fortune to my family for once. Is it so wrong of me to want my parents to be proud of me? I may have taken my job a bit too seriously but all of you make me sound like some kind of traitor, when in the end I did do what was right and I fought in the final battle of Hogwarts.

And why on earth am I always the Weasley that turns Death Eater in your stories? Me? Percy Weasley: Head Boy in my day at Hogwarts! I'm not trying to be a git but Ginny was the one who was writing to You-Know-Who for an entire year! And have you seen Fred and George, pranksters extraordinaire, if anything they should be first pick! And Charlie is obsessed with dragons which are considered dark and dangerous creatures for the love of Lancelot! And Bill works with goblins _all day_, if that not enough to turn you then what is!

**Sincerely, Percy Weasley.**

P.S. My wife Audrey would like me to tell you that she wasn't a Slytherin, nor is she a muggle. Oh and before I forget could you stop writing Percy/Penelope fics as she is getting a little jealous and that never bodes well for me.


	16. Fred Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I miss you all too. Especially Georgie.

**Sincerely, Fred Weasley.**


	17. George Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Twincest. _Really?_ Freddie found it funny but I find it highly disturbing. I have a girlfriend thank you very much. And yes, I do have a sense of humour but even that will only stretch so far. While your listening, don't pair us with Ginny or any of our other siblings. We love them but are not in love with them.

Eww. Just eww.

*shudders*

Thanks for the visuals. *insert sarcasm*

As for Hermione, don't even go there. There is only one Weasley interested in her: Dear old Ronniekins.

**Sincerely, George Weasley.**


	18. Ron Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My daughter, Rose, is not remotely interested in the Ferret's son: Scorpius. What the hell kind of name is Scorpius anyway?

As for my wife, she loves me, and has no interest in the Ferret himself. She much prefers Weasels.

Glad I've cleared those up.

Now, another thing, why do you people insist on pairing my wife with _anyone_ BUT me? I think we're perfect for eachother. Have you ever heard that opposites attract?

And as for pairing me with Lavender Brown, that ship sailed a long, _long_ time ago. Besides, I made that mistake once, I would never make it again.

*shudders*

I still have nightmares of matching Lav-Lav and Won-Won clothing.

*shudders again*

Well, I would write more but I can smell dinner, I think it's pot roast. *drools*

**Sincerely, Ron Weasley.**


	19. Ginny Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I have only ever had three boyfriends: Michael, Dean and Harry. That doesn't make me some kind of scarlet woman who'll jump into the sack with every Tom, Dick and Harry – no pun intended. I mean, seriously people I would never even look at half the people you pair me with: Slytherins? Really, why in the name of Merlin's pants would I touch one of those slimy little liars. And that's not even the worst of it. I 've seen you lot pairing me with:

1.) Sirius Black. (_He is dead! Have a little respect_. _Then there is the little fact that he is old enough to be my father!_)

2.) Remus Lupin. (_Remus and Tonks are a perfectly happy couple_. _Not to mention Remus used to be my DADA teacher!_)

3.) Severus Snape. (_Eww. I refuse to comment further_.)

4.) Neville Longbottom. (_Nev is my friend, I'll never see him romantically. Ever.)_

5.) Any of my brothers. (_Incest is illegal. Not to mention bloody disgusting._)

6.) Zacharias Smith. (_Tosser._)

7.) Seamus Finnigan. (_Me and Seamus? Really? He's a good friend but romantically. No. Just no._)

8.) Colin Creevey. (_Um, I don't think Colin likes girls ... if you get my drift._)

9.) Voldemort. (_I had to blink at this one several times just to see I'd read correctly... I'm literally speechless. I can't see how this is even conceiveable. The Dark Lord isn't capable of love, the closest thing to him being that damn snake of his. Besides, no nose, a snake-like face and a hissing voice is sooooo not attractive._)

10.) Hagrid. (_This is almost as bad as Snape. To be honest I don't know what's worse. Hagrid is my teacher, my friend. What kind of sick minded people would write otherwise. I am thoroughly sickened_.)

Again just to reiterate, just because I've had a few boyfriends DOES NOT MEAN I'LL DATE OR SLEEP WITH JUST _ANYONE_. I HAVE STANDARDS.

*breathes deeply* I could go on as I've seen myself paired with so many other people, females included. Read this and read it very carefully: I only love Harry Potter.

**Sincerely, Ginny Weasley.**

P.S. While I detest my name. It is Ginevra **_not_** Virginia. Get it right!


	20. The Auror Department

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The Auror department is one of integrity and excellent repute and would never lessen itself to the levels of its adversaries and sanction the use of unforgivables. They are unforgivable for a reason and are only permitted to be used if the country is at war or in situations of dire need. They are strictly forbidden to be used on a whim, so please stop questioning our reputation.

**Sincerely, The Auror Department.**


	21. Gregory Goyle

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I know I'm a Slytherin and not the sharpest tool in the box but I have feelings too. You all sympathise with George Weasley for losing his twin but nobody ever thinks about me. Vince was my best friend and was like a brother to me. He knew me better than anyone and it was hard to see him suffer a fiery and painful death before my own eyes. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't destroy his memory with cruel comments. It isn't nice.

**Sincerely, Gregory Goyle.**

P.S. I do no how to rite I'm just not very good at it.


	22. Cornelius Fudge

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

A Marriage Law? What an ingenious idea!

If only I had thought of that when I was Minister of Magic. It is a perfect way to build relations and from reading your stories most couples seem to love each other by the end.

I must run for Minister again, this will definitely be an important item on my manifesto. The public will absolutely love the idea. Not to mention the press will have a field day.

I really like the idea of a Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger pairing. It will be perfect! *claps hands* Perhaps a Ginny Weasley pairing with someone, any ideas?

**Sincerely, Cornelius Fudge, former Minister of Magic.**


	23. Aragog

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The only reason I attacked your precious Harry Potter was because I was hungry. Since when was predation a crime! If it were every Griffin, Manticore, Thestral and Dementor would be locked in Azkaban!

Besides, he was accusing my friend Hagrid of releasing the Basilisk into the school! And as if to add mud to the forest floor he called _me, ME_: King of the Acromantulas, a monster! Would you believe the cheek of that four-eyed buffoon.

Savior or not, give him another minute with me and he'll be the one needing saving.

My only regret is that I didn't eat the be-speckled, idiotic nitwit when I had the chance.

**Sincerely, a very hungry Aragog.**

P.S. Stop calling me a hideous monster! I am a rare and beautiful creature, I don't know why it was only ever Hagrid who recognized that.

*shakes head*


	24. Astoria Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am not an evil witch who stole Draco from Hermione Granger.

Draco and I are very much in love, not that it is any of your business.

My husband has no interest in muggle-born witches so stop insisting that he does. Nor does my son for that matter, and he certainly doesn't have any romantic feelings towards any Potter or Weasley offspring.

Malfoys have standards.

And while even I have to admit Albus Severus is a well-mannered and kind boy, his relationship with my son only goes as far as friendship.

I would also like to clarify that my sister, Daphne, is not sleeping with my husband. That couldn't be further from the truth. Honestly.

I'm meeting Daphne for lunch so I have to make this quick, but the one thing that has been bugging me is when you write me as some pureblood fanatic. You can check my arms, I was never a Death Eater. I would never have followed that meglomaniac, if you're looking for a Malfoy as a scapegoat look at my father-in-law.

**Sincerely, Astoria Malfoy.**

P.S. My hair is not blonde! Just because I'm a Malfoy does not mean I share the same hair colour as my husband and son.


	25. Oliver Wood

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Perliver? What the heck is that? Scratch that. I know _what_ it is, but not why in the name of Godric, Fawkes and bloody Dumbledore, you'd even think of it!

Percy's a decent guy. We were friends - of sorts - but I got on with Fred and George much better. We had more similar interests like Quidditch. Percy, however, couldn't catch the golden snitch if his life depended on it.

I always fancied Katie so I'm not too fussed about the Katie/Oliver pieces that are floating around. Some of them are actually pretty decent. But no, if Katie was on a rival Quidditch team, I wouldn't allow her a free pass at scoring if we were dating. Hell, even if we married I wouldn't let up.

If I never have kids, Quidditch will remain my one and only baby.

And don't you dare say 'it's only a game.' If you believe that you've never experienced the exhilarating speed of a broomstick, combined with the fierce wind whipping against your back. Your blood pumping wildly, while a sea of people far below are cheering you on, mixed with the reality that you could get badly bludgeoned and fall 50 ft. off your broomstick.

Nothing beats a good Quidditch match. End of.

I'm not going to touch the Oliver Wood/Marcus Flint crap I've found ...

**Sincerely,** **Oliver Wood.**

P.S. PUDDLEMERE UNITED RULES.


	26. Hermione Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Draco Malfoy is the love of my life. Ever since I punched him in my third year, sparks between us just flew. *sighs* We were meant to be together. Everytime he called me a mudblood I just swooned in delight. I never have and never will love Ron, I have always craved, tall, blonde and handsome.

Kidding. Urgh, I feel sick just writing that.

I love my husband. Always have and always will. I am not in an unhappy or abusive marriage. Even if I ever was - which is _highly_ unlikely - I wouldn't be so weak and pathetic that I would need someone - the Ferret no less - to save me. I didn't fight in a war against Death Eaters to be passed off as a silly damsel in distress. I have more strength and class than that. There is a reason I was sorted into Gryffindor all those years ago. Humph.

**Sincerely, Hermione Weasley. - **You see that it says WEASLEY. I am married to a _Weasley_. Not a Potter or - Merlin forbid- a Malfoy!

P.S. My name is not 'Mione, Herms, Mi, or Nee or any other perversion of my name thank you very much.


	27. Helga Hufflepuff

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Rowena and I were married before we founded Hogwarts. Not to each other, mind you, but we each had our own respective partners. Neither of us were romantically involved with either Salazar or Godric. We are colleagues and first and foremost friends.

On a separate note, I am thoroughly appalled by the plethora of heinous anti-hufflepuff comments plaguing your stories. Each Hogwarts House has its own qualities with which it is associated, and I for one believe that loyalty and honesty are admirable traits, perhaps ever more so that courage or cunning.

**Sincerely, Helga Hufflepuff.**

P.S. The house-elves at Hogwarts are not enslaved. Hogwarts is a sanctuary for elves and they are under no obligation to stay at Hogwarts if they do not wish.


	28. Charity Burbage

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

As the Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts I feel it prudent to point out that muggle technology does not work at Hogwarts. The excessive amount of magic in the air causes electromagnetic interference, disrupting the gadgets from working.

**Sincerely, Charity Burbage.**

P.S. Mr Potter attended Hogwarts in the 1990's which means: IPhones, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Twilight, Justin Bieber and a whole host of muggle bands and songs did not exist yet!


	29. Rolf Scamander

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My wife Luna is out collecting plimpies but she wanted me to ask you not to keep questioning her sanity as she is perfectly well and of complete sound mind. She suggested that you should consult with a Healer as you probably have been affected by a wrackspurt, it would explain your fuzzy brains and crazy ideas.

While I'm on the subject of my wife I would be grateful if you wouldn't pair her with people who aren't her husband. I know everything probably feels a little muddled as a result of the wrackspurts but it would be nice if you could write some more Luna/Rolf stories instead.

Luna and I are happily married and we have two young sons; in fact Lysander said his first word yesterday, it sounded like "Nargle" but may have been "Gurgle"... But I am so proud of him. I have a feeling he will follow in the footsteps of Luna and I and become Naturalist too.

**Sincerely, Rolf Scamander.**

P.S. Crumple-Horned Snorkacks do exist!


	30. Lily Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Sev will always be my best friend. He was there for me at a time when no-one else was and although he has made some bad decisions in his life, my door will always be open for him. _Always_. I do love him but I am not _in_ love with him, that part of my heart belongs to James.

Although the love I have for Sev is only the love of a friend, I cannot believe how you could think that I would ever forget him, mistreat him or be abusive towards him. He gave his life for my son and in the end proved he was an even more loyal and loving person than I ever knew he was.

**Sincerely, Lily Potter.**


	31. James Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Siriusly people! Lils and Snivellus an item? HA. I don't think so. Lily is _my_ wife. You see I won out against the Giant Squid in the end. Besides, she never _really_ disliked me. *catches snitch with amazingly fast reflexes* Just a friendly warning, quit the shit about our favourite hook-nosed Slytherin and no-one will get hurt.

That reminds me, on the note about 'hurting people' I would never hurt Lily or Harry. Come _on_, people! I wouldn't hurt a fly. Okay, that's not _strictly_ true - on the fly front - but I'm no saint and Snivellus practically begs for it. Just think of Sirius and I like the the Weasley twins: supertalented, funny, popular and most importantly pranksters!

Another thing, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and I are not 'together.' _Puh-lease. _Foursomes are just _so_ not cool. We are just friends. While I'm on the Marauders I should probably mention there are only four of us - well three because Wormtail doesn't _really_ count. There is no fifth Marauder and especially not some random girl that you lot keep insisting on joining us. *rolls eyes*

Lastly, yes, I am a pureblood, my line dating all the way back to Ignotus Peverell but that doesn't mean I'm filthy rich or will turn Death Eater. That's idiotic - though I do have a nice nest egg of galleons. Anyway I am an Order member, and I may be no Hufflepuff but loyalty does mean something to me!

**Sincerely, James Potter.**

P.S. Of course Harry is my son. How could you ever question his paternity! Have you seen that gorgeous - non-greasy- messy black hair, courtesy of yours truly!


	32. Padfoot

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

So I've been reading some more of your "stories" and I've got a bone to pick with you. Bone - eh, probably not the best choice of words. Don't even think about making any dog related jokes or I'll make you scream like that traitorous rat Wormtail.

*flicks soft black hair which catches softly in the breeze*

Well anyway, for starters I don't know how in the name of Godric, Merlin and every other damn witch or wizard you can pair me with Snape. SNAPE. And I thought the James/Sirius was bad. Man ... I think some of you muggles need to check yourselves in at St. Mungos, they have a special ward for people like you.

Other than a few horrendous pairing I suppose I am pretty cool with the stories you write about me. It is pretty awesome how I can be with fifty different girls at the same time. And again nine times out of ten you get my charming, humorous, and attractive-as-hell personality spot on.

Moony and Prongs would also like me to mention that none of them had any siblings and I if they did, I certainly wouldn't date them. Well actually it would depend on how foxy looking they were OUCH! Sorry Moony just bit me. BIT me. Damn feral wolf. Honestly, if I start howling to the moon every month I'm going to go on a biting frenzy, probably starting with James first, just to piss him off, and Snivellus next ... who knows he may turn out to be a better wolf than human, but I wouldn't bet any galleons on it!

Okay, okay I get it I really do. I know I am the hottest thing since chilli and I've had to deal with the lustful stares from both sexes for years but that does not mean I am gay, especially with my best mates. James has Lily and Remus has ... well he has his chocolate. It's Hogwarts best kept secret - aside from Moony's monthly moonlit outings - but you didn't hear it here: Remus Lupin is a chocoholic!

Anyway I kind of lost my point there but I'll reiterate I AM AS STRAIGHT AS A RULER. And that means the wooden ones, not those fluorescent coloured flexy ones.

I was also quite disturbed when I read this one - nearly had to scratch out my eyes! - but I am _not_, I repeat NOT having 'special-relations' with Regulus. He is my brother, come _on_ people. Siriusly? I think your insane stories just made me believe in the existence of wrackspurts.

I think that about covers the insanity of this site ... Oh no, just remembered one more, me getting married? Are we talking about the same ultra-handsome sexy Sirius Black here? I am strictly single, an eligible bachelor and that's the way I like it. I'm had my fair share of relationships over the past but I'm not a marriage sort of guy. Not that I've ever lacked women wanting to marry me, believe me when I say looks can go far. Anyway, while I'm writing I may as well squash the rumours about the numerous children I have running around, because I have no children. The closest I have to a son is Harry.

And Siriusly you can stop with all the Sirius jokes. It was funny the first time but now it's just getting lame.

*rolls eyes*

**Sincerely, Padfoot.**

P.S. What is an OC? You seem to always pair me with them. Anyway, if you do manage to find out, owl me. And if you're hot send your Floo address too, that way I can get to know you better.

*winks*

You know you love it.

*smirks*


	33. Remus Lupin

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I love Tonks. See even I can't call her the N-word.

Anyway, I thought I'd get that out there sooner rather than later, you know to clear the air and all. As I understand it you have me at it with everyone under the sun. Okay, not strictly true, but some of the people that turn up are cringe-worthy.

Wormtail, for instance. The only thing I'd like to do to him is skewer the little traitor and then roast him on a barbeque. And that would only happen if Sirius didn't get to Wormtail first. I don't think even a finger would remain this time.

To think I once called that traitorous rat a friend. I don't know what courageousness or bravery the sorting hat ever saw in him. But I suppose Gryffindor was the only house left as he clearly wasn't intelligent, that ruled out Ravenclaw. Cunning and sneakiness? Well, yeah that doesn't need answering. Loyalty? That is one trait we all learnt Peter never possessed the hard way. Hufflepuff would never have been a match for that _worm._

I really hate that rat. His actions led to the incarceration of one friend and death of another friend and his wife; leaving their son an orphan. Death is too kind a fate for him.

I'm pretty sure both Padfoot and Prongs have mentioned this but we're friends. That's it. Get over it. I do love them, but not in the way your sick minds work. James and Sirius were like brothers to me, we had a big bromance. However, the Sirius/James slash is epically hilarious! Wait, the Snape/Sirius stuff is even funnier! Padfoot will never be able to live that one down. You should have seen the look on Snape's face when I told him of the pairing. EPIC.

Now I have a feeling that Sirius spread this, but just because I like the odd bit of chocolate does not make me a chocoholic! What can I say? I've got sweet, albeit bone-crunching sharp, teeth. But it does Crucio me in the foot, so to speak, as chocolate is actually bad for wolves. You know, how you're not supposed to feed pets chocolate and such.

Sirius would like me to remind you all that only he can call me Remy.

*shakes head*

The things I do for my friends.

Remember: I'm in love with my hair-colour-changing, wand wielding badass, Death Eater fighting wife: Tonks. No one else.

**Sincerely, Remus Lupin.**

P.S. If you have any insults to throw at me, bite me! Oh wait, I'm a werewolf that's my job, isn't it?

*flashes teeth*

*points*

Look, it's a full moon tonight ...


	34. Peter Pettigrew

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I wasn't a coward. I wasn't! I wasn't! I wasn't!

The Dark Lord was going to kill me, I had no choice. It was unfortunate that Lily and James had to die, but I didn't want to add myself to the coffin list.

James and Sirius always thought they were so much better than me. But I showed them. They used to call me: Peter the _Pet_ who never _Grew_. But I did grow. I grew in the ranks of the Death Eaters.

I became someone. For once I was the important one. Not the _Pet_ of the group.

Which reminds me: I _was_ a Marauder. As much a marauder as Prongs and Padfoot, perhaps ever more of a marauder than Moony. So you can stop leaving me out of your stories. You may not like me, but I was one of them, once.

And I may be short but I am not hideous or rat-looking. The rat is my animagus form, it doesn't mean I look like that in real life. I actually think I am quite good-looking. Back in Hogwarts I once winked at a fellow Gryffindor, Mary, and she fainted in delight!

Drop, dead gorgeous if I say so myself.

**Sincerely, Peter Pettigrew.**


	35. Seamus Finnigan

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Listen, I'm not half-leprechaun, alright? How the heck do you come up with this stuff. I may as well mention that while I like the odd drink I am not a raging alcoholic! Seriously, what do you have against the Irish?

As for Dean, well there is nothing _remotely_ romantic going on there. Seriously, we're just friends. We don't have a romance, we have a bromance!

As for Lavender Brown, well, let's just say that's one flame I can put out.

**Sincerely, Seamus Finnigan.**

P.S. I would like to give a shout-out to Professor McGonagall. She is badass. Like she said: "[I do have a]... particular, proclivity for pyrotechnics" so watch what ya say about me or I may blow you-

*BOOM!*


	36. Theodore Nott

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Draco Malfoy and I are not 'besties.' We're not even good friends, really.

And I may be a Slytherin but that doesn't mean I am a super-evil villain out to get everyone. I'm just a regular Slytherin guy trying to get on with my life.

For the record, I'm not quiet because I'm a slimy snake who is constantly plotting everyones downfall. I honestly could care less about the Dream Team and whatever the hell they get up to. FYI: I'm not the suffering-in-silent, brooding type either.

As for the whole Death Eater gig, well I'm not one of them. That's not to say I don't believe in pureblood elitism - because I do - but I just think there are smarter ways to go about these things. Seriously, what so-called Dark Lord can get defeated by a baby. Besides, I've been hearing talk lately that he's not as pure-blooded as he's cracked himself up to be.

Lastly, I play strictly on the straight side of the fence. Though, Daphne Greengrass is not my girlfriend.

**Sincerely, Theodore Nott.**

P.S. For the love of Merlin, Granger is not my long lost sister. Sweet Salazar.


	37. Fleur Delacour

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Bill eez my husband and I love eem very much. Just because I 'ave Veela blood does not mean I would cheat on 'im or flirt wiz every male zat I see.

Sacré bleu!

In your stories I 'ave also noticed zere are lots of misconceptions about Veelas. Firstly, zat leetle boy Draco Malfoy who goes to 'ogwarts wiz Arry is not a Veela.

Secondly, Veela's zay do not 'ave mates.

Thirdly, if you 'ave blonde 'air and are gorgeous zat does not mean you are a Veela.

Ermione wanted me to mention zat Draco Malfoy is not a Veela and she is not 'is mate.

As for my children, Victoire says she is not dating Teddy. Dominique would like me to remind you zat she is a girl. As for Louis, his name is pronounced _Loo-Wee._

**Sincerely, Fleur Delacour.**

P.S. I am not an eediot. I was chosen for the Triwizard tournament and zey only choose ze best.


	38. Tom Riddle Jr

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Could you stop sending a carriage full of people back in time? I'm not going to fall in love with them anytime soon. Or ever, really. Especially not a mudblood. Yes, you all know _exactly_ who I mean.

*cough*Granger*cough*

I don't _do_ love. Get over it already.

You may be interested to know that last year in Potions when Slughorn brewed Amortentia, I smelt nothing. It's true. I didn't even get the faintest whiff of anything.

It proves that I have no love for anyone. If only complete power had a smell.

**Sincerely, Tom Riddle Jr.**

P.S. I regret nothing... except maybe killing Myrtle. I didn't know the twit wouldn't just die properly but instead decide to hang around as a ghost for eternity.


	39. Cho Chang

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Why do you hate me so much? Its not my fault I'm popular.

I also just wanted to get things straight with regards to Harry, I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I don't want him! You're welcome to him. Really, be my guest. To be honest I don't really know what it is that you see in him. I mean he is nice enough and a decent friend but there's not really much ... _there_. You can stop hating me for dating Harry. I never loved him - in the few weeks, or months at most that we dated - I only ever felt mild affection for him. He was essentially my re-bound, and I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth. I'm glad he found happiness, even if it had to be with Ginny Weasley.

In regard to Cedric, he was someone very close to me whom I loved for a very long time, and I guess a part of me will always love him, but I have moved on. I mourned him but he is gone now, forever. The ironic thing is my patronus is a swan, some say its a myth but I do believe that swans only have one true mate and that's why deep down I know I'll never find anyone like Cedric ever again. He was one-of-a-kind, the ying to my yang, and he was mine.

But just because he was my first true love that doesn't mean I _still_ have relations with him. Cedric is dead, he is not a ghost, or vampire or whatever the hell else you people think he is. He is dead and buried and last time I checked, necrophilia was illegal. Have some respect for the dead.

On a lighter note, I am a legitimate Ravenclaw, thank you very much! It never ceases to insult me how you write about me as if I am an idiot. _Honestly_. Just because _you_ may not be intelligent or even value any semblance of intelligence, that doesn't mean I feel the same way. Not that it is any of your business, I got a plethora - yes, I know what that means - of O's in my OWL's and there are more important things to me than 'looking pretty.'

*tosses hair*

It may be a stretch for some of you, with your limited imagination, to think that someone can be attractive and smart but you can be. I'm a living example of that. I am not vain or shallow, I just think it's important to take pride in personal appearance. That's just my opinion at any rate. I don't know though, where some of you get off calling me a slut! Just because I have several boyfriends over the span of about eighteen months does not mean I have no morals or will sleep with anyone. Besides, I was a teenager then and I'd just lost the love of my life. It was a bad time for me and I was finding myself again. I was young and didn't know who I was anymore, and to be honest experiencing death that young scared me.

*sniffs*

*looks at clock*

There were some other things I wanted to mention but I've got to fly, I'm suppossed to be meeting Roger at The Three Broomsticks in a bit. And just to sate that incredibly annoying curiosity of yours, yes, it is Roger as in Roger Davies ex-Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain whom I am meeting. Not that my private life concerns you in the slightest.

And before you start writing Cho/Roger stories and planning my wedding I'd like to mention that I am in fact dating someone, a muggle, whose name I will not divulge. Roger is simply an old school friend.

**Sincerely, Cho Chang.**

P.S. Who is this sparkling fairy you keep pairing me with?

*raises eyebrows*


	40. Giant Squid

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Hey! I am not a filthy, loathsome, scaly green cretin! Take that back!

How in the name of a Grindylow's left foot do you have the nerve to insult me like that!

There is nothing wrong with being green, I've seen you lot turn that colour on more than one occasion, and then proceed to vomit in my lake.

*glares*

Do that again and I'll eat you.

Though … I have to admit I've never much liked the taste of idiot. It's also a nightmare to get out of my teeth. All those stringy innards …

*sighs*

Oh and yes, in case you were wondering, you read correctly.

This is **my** Lake. I am the self-proclaimed King of the Lake. You may call me King Squidy.

*grins*

*grimaces*

FINE. Fine, okay. I'm not the king, happy now?

Here's the truth: I'm a loner.

I've lived a lonely and solitary live for thousands of years. When Hogwarts was built I thought that maybe, for once, I would have some companionship.

I was mistaken.

Despite a school full of a thousand students, being a stone's throw from my lake I am always alone. I hear what you all say about me, about how treacherous and frightful I am.

The merpeople keep away from me like I have Dragon Pox. Even the Grindylows despise me. The _Grindylows!_ And nobody likes _them_!

Anyway, just quit giving me a hard time, all the time. Cut me some slack every now and then, it's not the most fruitful life having only Myrtle to talk to.

*sobs*

Here she comes now.

Bah humbug!

**Sincerely, the Giant Squid.**


	41. Colin Creevey

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Say _"Cheese!"_

*snaps picture*

There! Isn't that a great shot?

I love muggle photography, unlike wizarding photos. I like the simple fact that one moment in time can be snapped, a single fraction of a second. Beautiful.

Anyway, I kind of went on a tangent there but I wanted to say great going guys! Keep up your writing, no matter what people say. You see when I found out I was a wizard I was literally in awe. Me: plain old Colin, the son of a milkman, a wizard! Therefore unlike many others I can understand why you would want to write stories about the magical world. Though, I do wonder how you came to find out about the wizarding world?

But Hogwarts really is _the_ most amazing place ever. I get to go to school with Harry Potter. _The _Harry Potter! How amazing is that? I'm just so glad I was sorted into Gryffindor, I get to see Harry almost every day.

I came across this recently and wanted to just mention that I am not gay. You have to tell me though, was it Dennis who spread this? Oh, wait I know who it was: Dean Thomas!

You see Harry always says _"No" _to me taking pictures of him, so the other week I snuck into the Quidditch changing rooms after the Gryffindor-Slytherin match and Dean Thomas caught me with my camera fixed on an oblivious Harry. Now he seems to think I'm gay.

Its silly, it really is. He even commented, "You're so far in the closet, Colin, you're in Narnia." Okay, even I cracked a smile at that but now the whole of Gryffindor seems to think I'm gay! Now that I think about it some Fifth Year Hufflepuff guy was looking at me a bit weirdly the other day.

Oh boy. The pains I go through for Harry Potter. But the picture I got of Harry was great so I think it was all worth it.

**Sincerely, Colin Creevey.**

P.S. I have set up a _'Harry Potter Appreciation Society'_, if you are interested in joining send me an OWL, oh wait you guys won't know how to use owls. Erm, send me an e-mail or something.


	42. Luna Lovegood

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Rolfy and I were at Neville and Hannah's the other day and Nev the greatest Herbologist _ever_ has managed to develop a strain of nargle-free mistletoe. Would you believe that! Now you can continue writing your stories with all these couples kissing under mistletoe, which thus far has been potentially very dangerous. Please ensure you purchase the right kind though, nargles are not to be trifled with, they are maverick creatures.

Let the safe, nargle-free kissing begin!

I should let you know that I have alerted St. Mungos and The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures of a severe wrackspurt outbreak. I didn't realise things were so bad until I saw the stories with Luna/Harry, Luna/Ron, Luna/Neville and even Malfoy/Luna pairings! Harry was the first friend I ever had but a relationship between us would never work, he doesn't even believe in Crumple-Horned Snorknacks! Ron on the other hand, only ever thinks about his stomach. Nev is my best friend but even though at one point I thought we were romantically compatible, I realised that while he is a great guy, we should just remain friends. As for Malfoy, he spends half his life applying magical hair gel, not exactly my kind of guy.

I will be printing a front page article in tomorrow's edition of The Quibbler, people must be warned before the pesky little wrackspurts mess with everyone's minds! If they aren't stopped there'll probably even be a Luna/Dobby story soon. Hehe.

**Sincerely, Luna Lovegood.**

P.S. I like turtles.


	43. Daphne Greengrass

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am also not a simpering, clueless blonde-haired bimbo who jumps into bed with every guy I meet. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look sexy as hell all the time. And it may be hard to believe, seeing as I'm from the same House as Greg and Vincent, but I do have a brain.

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

So quit with the insults. I happen to be from a well respected pureblood family who won't hesitate to ban my social life for_ever_ if they think I'm a loose woman with as much intelligence as a brick. Besides, they already like Astoria better than me as she's the one that nabbed – and is happily married to – the filthy rich Draco Malfoy.

But if you really want my parents to get up in my grill even more - which is barely possible - than go ahead and continue writing those damning stories.

Speaking of Draco Malfoy, I'm not in love with him - he's my brother in-law. That shit might fly with some of my family members, but not me. Relationship-wise I'm not involved with Blaise or Theodore either. Though I can understand why you'd pair us together as I know Theo fancies the pants off of me.

And as for Harry Potter, I don't feel anything for him aside from mild irritation. You have to admit, his fainting spells happen a tad too often to pass as cute. Drama queen, if you ask me. And he always seems to do it on the precise day when I'm trying to show off my new hairdo. Prick.

**Sincerely, Daphne Greengrass.**

P.S. Pansy would ask you herself but she's still upset about all your nose insults. But anyway, she wanted to ask you what the hell the 'Silver Trio' is? You always seem to have her, Draco and Blaise parading around as best mates dubbing them this stupid name.


	44. Sue Li

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

How do you even know who I am? I was never even mentioned in the books. And why have you paired me with Harry Potter? I don't even know him. Some of our years at Hogwarts may have overlapped but I am certainly not dating him. Honestly, I'd rather you not even know of my existence than have you write so-called 'romance' stories about me.

*shakes head*

_Sweet Rowena!_

Also, no, I am not related to Jet Li. As well as thievery, racism is not tolerated at Hogwarts.  
Oh and before you argue in your defence: that's how Sue seess it.

**Sincerely, Sue Li.**

P.S. If you're thinking "Who the hell is this Sue Li chick?" Then please keep it that way and don't _'Google'_ me. Yes, I know what Google is. I may be a witch but I am not stupid. There is a reason I was sorted into Ravenclaw.


	45. Crookshanks

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Meow! Oh, ah ... sorry. I meant 'Hi'.

*purrs*

I just wanted to say: I told you so! I was right!

I always hated that filthy rat. That's why I tried to kill the fool. I knew he was a good for nothing imbecile.

*chokes*

Sorry. Must have a bad throat or something. I _have_ been neglecting to take my meds lately.

Anyway, back to my point, I am just mad that the idiot rat managed to get away. If only I hadn't been stunned...

*chokes again*

I wouldn't have eaten him, if that's what you're thinking. I have taste buds, you know. And I don't think traitorous rodents taste very nice. Besides, I am half-kneazle, and prefer eating more refined food compared to my feral relatives.

As for Ron Weasley, I'm not plotting to off him. He could have better taste in pets, and I do think Hermione could do much better than the ginger fool, but I don't hate him. I just don't like him all that much.

And, no, I don't hate everyone. I happen to think Padfoot is siriusly cool! Minus the whole dog thing, of course.

**Sincerely, Crookshanks.**

P.S. I do not have a squashed, ugly face! *scowls* Hermione happens to think I'm gorgeous!

*coughs up fur ball*


	46. Marietta Edgecombe

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I'm sorry I betrayed Dumbledore's Army, alright?

Look, I was only looking out for my family. We only had Potter's word that You Know Who was back and he's not exactly the most credible source.

Back then nobody believed him anyway. All we knew was that four Triwizard champions entered the maze alive, and one returned dead in the arms of Potter.

You were never there, but there were so many stories in the Prophet discrediting Harry Potter and Dumbledore. I never knew Harry that well, so who was I supposed to believe?

Umbridge had known something was going on. It was only a matter of time before she caught us and I knew if I got caught it would spell disaster for my mother, not to mention myself.

Mum works for the Ministry, you see, and she'd worked so hard her whole life to get to a stable position. Umbridge has lots of influence at the Ministry and I didn't want to ruin my mothers reputation by doing something stupid. Back then, money had also been a little tight and if mum had lost her job because of me I'd have never been able to forgive myself. Not to mention my mother would have blown a gasket and grounded me for weeks on end.

But my point is, I made one mistake. One. That doesn't make me anything like that awful man, Peter Pettigrew, who betrayed the Potters to You Know Who.

Besides, its not like I didn't pay for it. I still have the ugly scars. Damn Granger. I knew that witch shouldn't be trusted. I look hideous, even mum winces when she looks at my face. God, I look like a bloody werewolf took a swipe at me.

Argh. If I could get my hands on that grubby little muggle-born ...

On another note, I am not a stupid bimbo. I like a good laugh, but who doesn't? By the way I am a Ravenclaw. I pride myself on my intelligence and it's downright insulting to find all your stories where Cho and I are idiotic bimbos, drooling over ever guy we see.

Stop them, alright?

I made one little mistake and now for the rest of my life I'll never hear the end of it. I knew I never should have joined Potter's club.

On the subject of Potter, I don't know what Cho ever saw in him to be honest. A dark-haired midget with glasses isn't exactly catch of the month.

**Sincerely, Marietta Edgecombe.**

P.S. Don't listen to the adverts, magical Clearasil does _not_ work.


	47. Millicent Bulstrode

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I know I don't look like Fleur bloody Delacour but you can stop with the comparisons to Crabbe and Goyle. I have eyes you know and being compared to them isn't exactly soothing to the old ego.

And I may be on the slightly denser and rounder side of the spectrum but enough with the cutting jibes. I'm not some glutinous pig who devours anything and everything. I don't even eat that much really; I just put on weight really well.

I think it's ironic actually, because you lot all write about me as if I'm some prejudiced fat cow, devoid of a single brain cell. You're wrong on all counts, except the prejudiced part because I don't like muggles and muggle-borns and I don't deny it. You lot however, are filthy hypocrites, what with all your mean comments about larger ladies. It may be a different type but its still discrimination.

So suck it bitches!

Can you stop with the "Millie" as well? My name is Millicent. Not hard to say. If Greg and Vince can get it right surely you must be able to. You may be just muggles but you can't be that dense, can you?

But yeah, stop with the "Millie" and "Mills" or whatever the heck else you conjure up because "Millie" makes me sound like a bloody house-elf. A well-fed house elf that is.

**Sincerely, Millicent Bulstrode.**

P.S. I am not Pansy's "muscle."


	48. Hermione Granger

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

What on earth possessed you to call Harry, Ron and I the 'Golden Trio'? Was it Voldemort?

I may be the brightest witch of my age but even I couldn't figure that one out.

**Sincerely, Hermione Granger.**

P.S. And yes, I still love Ron not Malfoy. Sorry guys.


	49. Lavender Brown

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I was sixteen when I went through my Ron-phase. I may have been a little, uh, overbearing and a _tad_ obsessive - if you will - but I was young, naive, and thought I was in love.

Now, looking back I can't believe I was so clingy. He was my first real crush and my first boyfriend. You can't judge me for the way I acted, I'm sure you all have done things you wish you could take back.

Won-won was pretty cute though, eh?

*laughs*

I haven't called him that in years. Thinking about it, is it a goddamn awful nickname. I'm glad he ended up with Hermione though, at the time I hated the witch but that was a long time ago. Besides, what I felt for Ron was more superficial than anything else. I didn't really know what love is, then. There is one thing I have to say about Ron, though, he is one hell of a kisser. Why else do you think I'd spend half my sixth year snogging him.

Also, while Parvati is my best-friend we aren't dating. Nor do I have feelings for Dean, Seamus or Neville.

Don't hate, appreciate. Things have a way of coming back to bite you. Karma, people.

**Sincerely, Lavender Brown.**

P.S. I'm pretty sure I wasn't killed by Fenrir Greyback, whoever that is.


	50. Basilisk

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Why am I never in your sstoriessss. I like a good tale as much as the next sssnake.

In the few thingsss I've ssseen on me, all I ever do isss kill. It'sss not my fault. I can't control the fact that whatever I look at diesss.

But you have to admit, that Myrtle dessserved it. But, now she'sss going to be around for eternity. What have I done!

I only did thossse thingssss on the ordersss of my Massssster.

Anywayy, I am better than ssssome other sssnakes. That Nagini, for exammmple, broke up with me becaussse apparently I wasss too complicated!

Ssshe told me that there wasss sssomeone elssse, asss well. What a sssnake!

**Ssssinncerelyyy, Basilisk.**

P.S. I really hate phoenixes. They don't even taste nice ...


	51. Ginny Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The wedding of the century was mine and Harry's. NOT William and Kate's.

Anyone who claims otherwise is bitter because they weren't invited. But that farce of a royal wedding had nothing, NOTHING, on mine.

I heard the papers called it "magical," but how can a wedding void of any real magic, be magical?

HA.

*grins*

Besides, the muggle Prince isn't exactly that good-looking. When I first saw a picture of him, the word beaver seemed to speak volumes ... just saying.

On a slightly disturbing note, no, I am not in love with, or having an affair with the Ferrets son. I am not an adulturer thanks very much.

P.S. Ron has asked me for the gazillionth time ask you lot to stop with the Dramione. LOL. I find them quite funny actually. Especially the ones where Malfoy continually proclaims his undying love for Hermione. You guys do not know Hermione if you think her response would be to "swoon in delight" and gush about how much she adores him.

*snorts*

You people make me laugh. (When writing about other people that is. Write anymore crap about me and you'll be the one on the receiving end of my legendary Bat Bogey Hex.)

*smiles sweetly*

**Sincerely, Ginny Potter.**

P.S. Neville, Luna and I were the 'Silver Trio,' not any Slytherin filth.


	52. Neville Longbottom

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Hey! What's wrong with my cardigan? I actually quite like it, so does Gran. In fact she's the one who actually picked it out for me. On that note I should probably warn you, because if she hears you bad mouthing the clothing she picked out for me, then you'll find out there is more to the little old witch than meets the eye. If you have any doubts just ask Dawlish, he still has the scars! The man's never been the same since.

For those of you that actually liked it, I'm just glad some of you have good taste. It was quite a bargain aswell! £32 from River Island! Not to mention it is nice and toasty to wear.

And Hey! I'm not a fat sissy. Did you see me in Deathly Hallows Part 2? *grins*

LONG LIVE DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY!

*coughs* Sorry. Got a bit carried away. *smiles sheepishly* Now back to the rant.

I've been trawling through your stories and d'ya know what? I never knew you muggles were that funny. Seriously, I laughed so hard when I read all your stories pairing me with Luna, Malfoy, Harry, Ginny, Hermione and even Professor Sprout! Come _on_, you can't be serious? Ginny found the Neville/Harry pairings hilarious but I'm still in shock, Harry actually fainted, but that was when he came across the Drarry stories. *chokes on laughter* Rather him than me!

Just to confirm Harry and Ginny are just dear friends. As are Luna and Hermione, both who are happily married, as am I with Hannah- my adorable little Hufflepuff. I love that woman, if I could, I'd give her the moon. On that note, we're actually expecting out first child soon, I'm still not sure whether to ask Harry and Ginny or Luna and Rolf to be godparents. Ah, oh well, I'll figure it out.

Gran wants me to name the baby after her if it is a girl. *grimaces* Poor kid.

Now there was something else that I was going to say, but I've forgotten. I should probably fish out my rememberall, not that it would actually help me remember what I've forgotten. Oh dammit *something smashes* this Devil Snare's getting out of contr- AHH!

**Sincerely, Neville Longbottom.**


	53. Dobby the free elf

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Dobby is not in love with Winky. Winky is Dobby's friend.

Also, young Master Malfoy is not Dobby's son. Dobby has no son.

Dobby would also like to remind yous that Harry Potter is valiant and bold! He has braved so many dangers with both greatness and goodness and Dobby will not hear another bad word about him.

_Never_ insult Harry Potter in front of Dobby, or Dobby will get angry!

Dobby also would recommend yous people go to St. Mungos as they is making mistakes in your shops and is giving two socks that is the same.

**Sincerely, Dobby the free elf.**

P.S. Dobby would like to remind yous that house-elves, speak like Yoda they do not.


	54. Minerva McGonagall

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Firstly, I am not having an illicit love affair with Albus. We are colleagues. At most he is a dear old friend, the greatest thing we share together being our love and aptitude for Transfiguration. In fact, Albus was actually the one who helped me become and Animagus!

Secondly, as for Tom Riddle he attended Hogwarts in the years: 1938-1945 whilst I was there between: 1947-1954. We did not date at Hogwarts as we were never there at the same time to begin with. In my life I have not spoken five words to Tom Riddle, therefore he has no attachment to me, romantic or otherwise. Nor I with him for that matter.

Humph.

Thirdly, I am not a spinster. I was married, once, many years ago. Elphinstone was a great man but sadly he died a tragic, albeit accidental death, prematurely into our marriage.

Just to reiterate Albus and I are not lovers and he did _not_ woo me with his penchant for lemon drops. Honestly, Albus is gay for the love of Merlin.

**Sincerely, Minerva McGonagall.**

P.S. To become an animagus is a complex skill, it is not within the limits of any old crackpot!


	55. Regulus Black

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I always loved him. Even when he left without saying goodbye. I secretly harboured hatred for my parents for a long time because of how they drove him away.

I guess he never cared for me the same way. But that lack of brotherhood may have been what drove me to join the Death Eaters. It was a chance to finally be a part of something, to belong somewhere.

I didn't have many redeeming qualities in life, but at least I died doing something I was proud of. Little Regulus, the golden boy of my parents was the one - out of everyone - who discovered the Dark Lord's secret.

My only regret is that I wasn't able to destroy the horcrux. It should teach the Dark Lord that you don't mess with someone's house-elf without facing their retribution.

And its pathetic that this is true, but Kreacher may only have been an elf but he was more loyal to me than my own brother.

Long live Kreacher!

**Sincerely,** **Regulus Black.**


	56. Garrick Ollivander

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I once gave some very important advice: The wand chooses the wizard.

This seems to have been forgotten. You cannot simply attribute a certain wand to your "other characters" because you liken their personality to those in possession of that wand type. For example: bravery alone does not attribute a phoenix core wand. Just because Mr. Potter possessed the wand does not mean it suits everyone - besides phoenix core wands are highly coveted and rare.

Finding a suitable wand is much like finding which Hogwarts house is most suitable for an individual. What is inside a person is more important than what that person portrays to the world. And just like how only the Sorting Hat can decide on the best House, only a wand can recognize its master; someone who will flourish with it.

Wandlore is a tricky and complex subject, one which even I in my many decades of study have not mastered. Nor ever will.

However, if you would like the correct wand feel free to pop in to my shop if you're ever in Diagon Alley. After that ghastly business of the war, with some help I finally managed to set up shop again. But I would be more than happy to find you a wand. For those Muggles who know of magic and are able to find a way inside the wizarding world, I will happily discuss wandlore: the myths, the truth, the misconceptions, and most importantly which would suit you the most - if you had magic.

On a last note I am pleased you write me with an amiable and cheery personality. I may be passionate about wands but I am a gentleman. I would like to mention that while Luna is a wonderful young girl, who I am fond of, I do not have intimate feelings towards her. She is happily married to a Mr. Rolf Scamander, if I am not mistaken.

Oh, and I may have shared a cell with that goblin, Griphook, but I was never friends with him! He claimed his race were the ones to 'invent' wands and that the craft was stolen by witches and wizards.

Honestly. Never trust a goblin; I daresay Harry Potter would agree.

**Sincerely, Garrick Ollivander.**

P.S. The Elder Wand is gone. You cannot summon it with an _Accio! _Honestly. _And_ even if it were somehow found its true allegiance lies with Mr. Potter.


	57. Abraxas Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I was never friends or lover of anyone called Tom Riddle. What an odd and muggle-sounding name at that.

I also feel it prudent to also mention that I never loved Druella Rosier. I admit she was a beautiful pureblood girl, but she married Cygnus who was an old friend of mine. I would never betray him like that.

As for Lucius, I didn't traumatise abuse or beat my son. I never forced him to join the Death Eaters - that was his decision. Arrogance and pride have always been a weakness of the Malfoy family.

A piece of advice: never call my son 'Lucy.'_ Ever._ He's always had issues that one.

**Sincerely, Abraxas Malfoy.**

P.S. Dragon Pox is a bitch - then you die. Don't start spreading it to the world.


	58. Nymphadora Tonks

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I bet you thought I'd bite your heads off, eh?

I don't take much offense at your stories, truth be told. I'm always up for a good laugh and honestly your writing has given me hours of laughter. Times are dark and a good laugh is always welcome.

One thing that annoys me a little is how you think all Hufflepuffs are snivelling idiots. I, Tonks, representative of all things cool was a Hufflepuff. You know, not all of us are tossers like that prat, Zacharias Smith, the one Ginny always complains about. Trust me when I say this, as you'd never guess it, but when we get our groove on us Puffles know how to par-_tay!_

If I nitpick, I would throw in that I don't have two left feet. I tripped over _once!_ .. Or was it twice? But, anyway that doesn't mean I'm an accident prone idiot.

Even though it may have been a close call, I still managed to pass Stealth and Tracking. It had nothing to do with the fact that Kingsley was the assessor on that! Which reminds me, as an Auror I know I spend half my time with testosterone fuelled males, but that doesn't mean I have secret feelings for every one of them! Kingsley and Mad-Eye are just collegues and good friends. Besides, both of them are married to their work anyway.

Which brings me on to my hubby: Remus Lupin. He is the only man for me. Though it took the idiot long enough to admit he felt the same way!

You guys crack me up though, Remy-Poo?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*laughes again*

*laughes harder*

*wipes away tear of laughter*

Where do you come up with this stuff? Wait till I use this on Remus!

HAHAHA.

*chokes*

Crap. Nearly choked to death from laughter there.

There was something I read about my son being in love with Victoire. I'll throw caution to the wind and say that I actually approve. If you love someone and they love you back, go for it. Get them before it's too late. After all, the shortest time together is better than having none and being left with regret.

Wow. That sounded wise. Merlin, my mother's growing on me!

Oh and by the way, Teddy doesn't have lycanthropy (the werewolf gene thingy). I wonder though, if he were a werewolf and a Metamorphmagus, on a night of the full moon, would he be able to change his appearance? ... Talk about wolf in sheep's clothing! I'm just getting carried away.

I'll shut up now.

**Sincerely, Tonks.**

P.S. Pink hair is _cool!_ Killjoys.


	59. Rita Skeeter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Why hello, there. Fellow writers, I see.

*purses lip*

*poises quick quotes quill*

So, how did you mere Muggles find out about the wizarding world? I am currently boarding at The Leaky Cauldron and would love to give you an exclusive interview. The wizarding community will want to know why this severe breach of the International Statute of Secrecy was not recognized and why the Ministry is so oblivious to critical information leakage to the Muggle world. I can see the headline now-

_'Public Outrage as Ministry of Magic fails people again ...'_

This will probably make the front page news!

*beams*

On a personal level I hope you can exercise some discretion when it comes to writing about me. I have personal secrets that I would prefer to stay buried. I don't know how you found out about my, insect ability, if you will, but you will not breathe another word of it. I make my living as a journalist so don't underestimate me, everyone, and I mean _everyone_, has dirt that can be dug up.

*looks knowingly*

Yes, I know who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

I do want to mention, though, that some - and I stress _some_ - of the writers here have quite extraordinary literary talent. I take my hat of to you. I see how a reputable journalist like me can inspire the youth.

I'm glad to see that this generation of youngsters has moved on from that of its predecessor. Bushy-haired, conniving little blackmailing witches. I guess you know who I mean, that little witch Hermione Granger, I hear it's Weasley these days. I always thought that little miss perfect would end up with the boy saviour. Ron Weasley is a poor substitue for Harry Potter or even Viktor Krum. Though, the little witch is a smart one - I'll give her that, and maybe marrying the Weasley is a way to get close to her true love.

Ah, star-crossed lovers!

Everyone loves a great love story. Even if it's one of unrequited love.

The question is does the saviour of the wizarding world return her feelings? I wonder what secrets lie behind those emerald eyes? Was it his desperate need for attention and a family that he married the Weasley girl? Or was it the memory of his late mother who drove him to marry a girl with similar looks? Whatever the reason you can be sure the Queen of the Quill will get the scoop first.

**Sincerely, Rita Skeeter.**

P.S. Everyone loves a rebel.

*winks*


	60. Bloody Baron

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am not evil. At least I think I'm not.

I killed the only woman I ever loved. In a way that probably makes me the worst kind of man.

I repent everyday for that crime and will continue to do so for the rest of eternity. But even is she ever forgives me, I can never forgive myself.

There is no pain harsh enough that could possibly pay for the crime I committed.

The story of my death is the most dishonorable moment of my life.

You will never repeat it again. To anyone.

**Sincerely, the Bloody Baron.**

P.S. You would do well to heed my words. There is a reason Peeves is so afraid of me.


	61. Alastor Moody

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am a veteran Auror. Half the bloody Death Eater rotting in Azkaban are directly thanks to me. Yet you have the nerve to ridicule me because I have a wooden leg and a magical eye. If you think those injuries are bad, you've never seen the mutilated corpse left once the Death Eaters are through with their victim.

Just be glad you never came face-to-face with any of them.

You ever get the full story on why I have a magical eye? Didn't think so. I wasn't born with it you see and there's not a soul left alive that still knows the story. But trust me when I say you really don't want to know what happened. I'll give you a piece of advice though, don't underestimate werewolves especially not on a night of the full moon.

Remember: keep your eyes open - while you still have them - Death Eaters are everywhere and they are the least of your worries if you don't cease your lies.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

**Sincerely, Alastor Moody.**

P.S. I'm not paranoid!

...

*whips out wand*

Did you hear that?


	62. Sorting Hat

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I'm not a ratty old hat thank you very much.

*crosses metaphorical arms*

My sole purpose is sorting Hogwarts students - or working as a vessel to occasionally poof the sword of Gryffindor into the hand of a worthy student. But anyway, I'd appreciate if you didn't deprive me of the one thing I do.

Being a hat – an extremely good looking hat at that - there isn't much else I _can_ do. Literally. Even that old dear Professor McGonagall has to place me on each head. I've got as much mobility as the Fat Lady, and that's saying something!

But on with my point. I know some of you disagree with the houses I've sorted certain people into, but once sorted there is no going back. It is permanent.

In regard to the Cho Chang sorting I must say that, yes, she is a legitimate Ravenclaw. I can see why some would disagree but once I saw what was really in her head I couldn't deny that she has a sharp mind and is perfectly suited to Ravenclaw.

Sorry to disappoint guys but she is what she is, and that is a Ravenclaw.

You can disagree all you want, but: the hat knows all. You cannot hide a single thought, fear, fantasy, desire or ambition from me.

Besides, I seem to remember there were quite a few disagreements concerned with the sorting of Neville Longbottom. In the end he proved he was a worthy Gryffindor ... just saying.

And while I may like the odd flagon of drink, I did not drink too much Firewhiskey the night before her sorting. Headmaster Dumbledore has cracked down on my drinking habits in the last few years. Apparently I was setting a bad example for the students. In all seriousness, though, who the heck looks up to a hat! I always preferred Aberforth more anyway, he doesn't have many qualms when it comes to having a good old drink.

Lovely chap.

As for Peter Pettigrew, well all I have to say is that people change over time. I saw some darkness in him, some self-loathing and a desire to be important and powerful. But those were deeply buried feelings when he was sorted as a young lad. I still stand by my decision that he was a Gryffindor. He clearly wasn't loyal, smart, or very cunning.

The one regret I have is Harry Potter. I always thought he'd make a great Slytherin. Sadly, the boy didn't wish to be placed there. A shame, if I say so myself. He may be great, but could have been so much greater.

One other thing, stop making up my age! And before you decide to ask me directly, didn't your mothers ever tell you it was rude to ask a hat its age?

**Sincerely, the Sorting Hat.**

P.S. Please tell the Weasleys to stop reproducing like rabbits. I can't tell the difference between them anymore.


	63. Dolores Umbridge

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Hem-Hem.

*clears throat*

You disgusting little_ children_. I hate the lot of you. I'm so glad _I_ was never a child. I am thoroughly appalled by your filthy lies about me. I am a perfectly respectable pureblood witch and an upstanding citizen - one which many would do well to emulate.

It's a close call between who I despise more: half-breeds, mudbloods, muggles, or filthy muggle _children_.

And what is wrong with pink? Not that I actually care one bit what you think in your vastly inferior opinion. I happen to actually like the colour. Cornelius has told me on many an occassion that it brings out my eyes.

A friendly warning: just remember that you must not tell lies. If you do you might just end up in detention with me.

*smiles sweetly*

**Sincerely, Dolores Umbridge.**

P.S. No, I do not need a cough sweet!


	64. Barty Crouch Jr

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Everytime I read a FanFiction involving Barty Crouch Jr., it reminds me of the days when I was a badass Death Eater and one of the Dark Lords most favoured. You see that year the Dark Lord was recruting Time Lords and I was there to foil his plans, under a super sneaky disguise of pretending to be a loyal Death Eater of course.

My psychic paper had been working a treat and everyone was fooled but in the end it turned out to be the most trivial thing which blew my plan into a supernova. I shouldn't have even been at that trial. You see I parked the TARDIS next to the Ministry of Magic's visitors entrance and accidently walked into the wrong phone box. Next thing I knew I was being taken to the Dementors the life being sucked out of me. Of course I didn't die, I am Time Lord after all, so I just regenerated. I quite liked my old face.

AND I'M STILL NOT GINGER!

*sulks*

Oh, before I forget you should probably know that the man known as "Barty Crouch" who thought he was my father -he's not- is actually the creator of the Cybermen, in a parallel universe of course. In that universe, he's a deranged Muggle, but that's besides the point...

By the way my hair if perfectly fine and and the hairdressers in Hogsmeade were not on strike that year!

*pats hair*

Anyway, I liked being a super cool Death Eater - all the girls flocked to my feet and I had a wand. Now I wear a fez. I do not need to be reminded of this. Please stop.

**Sincerely, The Eleventh Doctor.**

P.S. Allons-y Father!


	65. Petunia Dursley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I was a child when I called Lily a freak. A _child_.

Anyone with a sibling has at one point said something nasty about them. That doesn't mean that you love them any less or don't care about them. Lily is, _was_, my sister. We may not have had the easiest relationship but I cared for her in my own way.

Actually, you know what? I _don't_ have to justify my decisions to you. None of you know me or even knew my sister, so I don't know how you can judge me! All you've ever seen of my childhood are a few snapshots of memories from the mind of that Spinner's end boy. He hated me, as I did him, so of course his perception of me would be distorted.

And if I never cared about my sister, why would I have written to Dumbledore asking to go to Hogwarts?

I know I didn't treat Harry well. Everytime I looked at him I was reminded of 'perfect Lily' with her 'wonderful husband.' I was reminded that Lily was always the one my parents loved the most. _She_ was the special one while I was, well I was the _ordinary_ one. So I finally embraced that.

But tell me, how would any of you feel if your sibling was a witch or wizard? If you found out that _they_ were unique and coveted, with great potential and powers and had a bright and mysterious future ahead of them, while _you_ had to remain the ordinary, plain child? What would it feel like to know that there was a whole, fantastic, magical world that you alone were excluded from?

Well that was my childhood.

I was the one who had to attend the local school, while precious Lily attended school in a magical Scottish castle. Every holiday she would return with her tales of Quidditch, Charms, Moving Staircases and Ghosts. I think she even referred to be as a 'muggle' once, accidentally, of course; she apologized profusely but I never forgot.

My parents loved having a witch in the family, even while Lily was away they'd always simper on about her. "Oh, Lily is such a marvellous child!" or "Lily is just _so_ talented ..." , "I always knew Lily was special." Lily. Lily. Lily. It was always about _Lily_. Never me.

But you know what? Think what you will but do not judge me for things you know nothing of. Lily and I were close once, she and I were inseperable as children. As young children she was my other half. Lily was my sister. And _I_ was the one who taught her how to braid her hair. _I_ was the one who laid next to her telling her stories if she ever had a nightmare. _I_ was her best friend.

In later life we had a strained relationship but the only thing I regret is that I didn't make peace with her before she was murdered. So you can say terrible things about me and call me a 'heartless cow' but not making ammends with my sister and not being able to tell her that I did love her, well that alone will haunt me for the rest of my life.

**Sincerely, Petunia Dursley.**


	66. Rubeus Hagrid

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

You lot can stop with yer ruddy lies or I'll set Fluffy on yeh!

Me an' Olympe are jus' friends! Ya hear tha'!

I actually met a giantess ...

*shuffles nervously*

Fang seems ta like her too. She's 'bout 9 feet tall an' strong as they come. Beau'iful.

*blushes*

Grawpy says "Hi" by tha way. He got happy when I told him there were stories abou' 'im. Isn't he jus' the swee'est little brother?

I'd like yeh all ter have a minute of silence for Aragog. He passed the other day, he got ill over the summer an' neva got betta. Why'd it 'ave t'be him? I know you lot neva liked 'im but he was a kind an' gentle fella. Wouldn't hurt a fly.

RIP Aragog. There'll neva be an Acromantula like yeh again.

*sobs*

**Sincerely, Rubeus Hagrid.**

P.S. Never... insult... Albus Dumbledore... in front of me!

*brandishes pink umbrella*


	67. The Fat Lady

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Stop with the F-word. The three letter one, _not_ the four letter one. You probably shouldn't know the four letter one anyway. In my day children didn't know such vile words.

But I do have feelings you know, and an actual name. If you ungrateful children think to insult me again, you should think twice about it. Because next time, I'll lock you out of your common room. Yes, Gryffindor's, looking right at you.

And just because I am a portrait does not mean I have no life. I do. A very full one thank you very much. But I hardly ever get a wink of sleep due to those ghastly Potter and Weasley spawn.

I wait the joyous day they leave this school, but sadly I've been told they breed like gnomes.

*yawns*

I've got bags under my eyes. Again. Thanks to one Rose Weasley moonlighting with a certain blonde-haired Slytherin.

*shakes head*

That does reminds me. I have not, nor will I ever have any romantic liaisons with that prissy pureblood supremacist Phineas, nor that boring ghost Binns. I may be a portrait but I have taste. There is only one who has caught my eye. Violet tells me to court him myself, but Sir Cad-, ah, _he_ is a traditional sort-of man.

Oh, there comes Sir Cadogan... Oh my, I look terrible... he cannot see me like this...

I had more to complain about but time is of the essence. Like they say it's not over till the fat lady sings.

*ducks under chair*

**Sincerely, The Fat Lady.**

P.S. Can you stop with all the weight watchers comments? It's not very nice.


	68. Mundungus Fletcher

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Harry didn't want that stuff. That's the only reason I ransack'd Grimmauld Place. That don't mean I'm some scum theif that you all seem to fink I am. I 'ave some class, y'know!

It'd b'nice if y' could write some more stories abou' me. Y'could highlight me sales skills, I really do 'ave the gift of the gab. If y'want, I came across a batch of cauldrons that fell of the back of a broom, if you're interested let me know. I won't take a Knut under 10 though. They sell fer double in Diagon Alley.

If any of you are looking for some disguises, look no further. I meself have managed to pass off an an Inferius before. In stock I got sem invisibility cloaks, a purple robe, sem Death Eater get-up an a few magical wigs. The purple robe does seem ta like ta strangle, but mostly it's harmless.

**Sincerely, Mundungus "Dung" Fletcher. **

P.S. If you wanna know, for five galleons, I'll tell ya where Harry Potter's Hippogriff tattoo really is!


	69. Sybill Trelawney

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

*sips tea*

I am not in a relationship with any of my collegues. I can see into the future dearies so I can confirm that I never will be, nor was I ever involved with Minerva or Albus in a past life.

*twitches*

I _see_ something. Something _dark_, you should be afraid.

*eyes unfocus*

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Run while you can, the tea leaves never lie!

**Sincerely, Sybill Trelawney.**

P.S. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

*frantically strokes crystal ball*


	70. Gilderoy Lockhart

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The name's Lockhart. Gilderoy Lockhart, ladies. Jot it down and send me an owl.

*fluffs hair*

Have you seen _'the smoulder'_?

*winks*

*fluffs hair*

*does weird eye squishy thing*

_There!_ Did you see it? It has made many women swoon with delight on many occassions.

I'll give you a few minutes to answer as I know the smoulder is so entrancing it will take you a while to pull out of it.

Anyway, I noticed a lack of stories written about me. It must be some sort of glitch on the system because, obviously, it needs no saying that tons of stories would be written about me. If that miserable grouch, Severus Snape, has over 56,000 stories about him than I must have at least double that! I do hope you fix the system glitch soon so that everyone can read about how wonderful I am.

*strokes hair*

On the matter of which shampoo I use, I'm afraid that is a top secret formula. I will give you this hint though: Butterscotch, Dittany and a pinch of Bubotuber Pus. I designed this specific potion myself. I know, I know, I am just so multi-talented.

*waves hand*

I take my acheivements in my stride. Some people let their fame get to their head, but I've stayed pretty much level headed and take each award as I get it. After recently winning my sixth consecutive award for _Witch Weekly's_ _Handsomest Eligible Bachelor_ and being voted to have the _Silkiest Hair _by Daily Prophet readers, I have decided that I may return to Hogwarts to continue teaching so that people can admire my greatness in person.

You see, after publishing dozens and dozens of books, I decided I should impart my wealth of experience and invaluable knowledge with my inexperienced co-workers and students of Hogwarts. So much can be learnt from me. After all not even dear old Dumbledore got his Order of Merlin as young as I did.

Some people are just born to be great.

*flashes charming smile*

Most of the writing on here is very mediocre and not really beliveable. In the few Gilderory stories I've seen I've been paired with Hermione, Severus, Harry, and goodness knows who else. If you want to make this all more realistic you should pair me with Gwenog Jones, we used to date many years ago, after she got too clingy I had to break things off. But I was the one to teach her how to play Quidditch, that skill is all thanks to me. If I wanted to I could have gone professional myself. If you insist on pairing me with these "other characters" please note that I only date the beautiful, rich and famous. And no, I am not gay.

*laughs*

I am quite a catch, am I not?

**Sincerely, Gilderoy Lockhart.**


	71. Andromeda Tonks

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

How could you ever think I would ever turn Death Eater? You don't know how much I lost because of them. I lost my family, I lost my cousins, I lost countless friends, I lost my husband, I lost my daughter, my son in-law ... so very much.

Tell me then, why would I ever join an organisation that has only ever systematically destroyed my life? An organisation whose core belief I disagree with?

The answer is I would _never_ do that.

I loathe them, every single one of them.

Even as I write these words a part of me wishes things had been different. So many of my relations joined the Death Eaters and the dearest to me - my sisters - fell to their schemes too. I loved my sisters, I always did. Even Bella. We were very close as children, we would have the greatest times getting into so much mischief. We were exact mirror images of each other in looks and she was dear to me, and I to her. I loved her but was not in love with her nor was I in love with Cissy.

But Bella was always ambitious, while little Cissy was always so prim and kept, a proper society woman even as a young girl. The problem was that when Bella began to drift into darker waters, no one was there to pull her back. Even our parents didn't stop her. They liked the fact that their daughter was so determined to uphold pureblood supremacy, all they cared about was keeping the Black line superior and "untarnished" as they called it. I always think that I could have done something, reined her in. She was my older sister and I should have been there for me, just as she was there for me all those times as children.

I clearly remember one night when she was still a teenager, only just beginning to delve into these darker ways that she confided in me. I was only a couple of years younger than her but we talked and she spoke openly, after all I was of her blood, her sister, she could trust me. I could have planted seeds, seeds in her mind that would help her realise her foolish ways but I didn't. Bella had always been a strong woman and I naively thought she would see the error of her ways.

But she never did.

Any influence I had over her dissolved when she found out about Ted and I. A dirty mudblood she'd called him, even when I tried to explain, begged my family to listen. Instead they chose to disown me. I regret nothing though, if my family couldn't overcome their prejudices for the sake of their daughter - someone they are supposed to love unconditionally - then did they truly love me? I know Ted did, and because of that I know I made the best decision of my life. But that decision completely severed familial ties and marked the end of any sisterhood.

After I married Ted I was nothing more to Bella, Cissy and my parents, than mudblood loving scum - a blood traitor. I was an embarrassment to them, a dirty shame upon their noble house. The only family I had left was Sirius. Contrary to popular belief we never had any physical relations, though. We were family and I loved him like a brother but that's all he'd ever be to me, after all Ted was the love of my life.

A small part of me died when I heard of Sirius's death but another fragment fell when I found out it was Bellatrix who had slain him. The sister who I had once loved so very much, had murdered her own cousin. And for that I hate her. But because she is my sister I love her. And because of that I hate her for making me hate her and hate the fact that a tiny part of me will hold on to the love I had for her and hope that there is some kind of redemption for her.

I've always blamed myself for the death of Sirius. He fought Bella with no mercy, as she did him, but I know that it still would have been hard for him to curse her. You see, Sirius despised Bellatrix, so would have no qualms killing her, but she was very similar in looks to me - someone he cares about. I always wondered if, maybe for a fraction of a second, he lost his concentration because of that, or had a slower reaction time, and all this resulting in his death ... I don't know though. But again Bella was my sister and I still feel like I am responsible for the monster she became.

It's an empty feeling, to think that someone you loved once so very much could turn out to be so cruel, so malicious, a murderer.

I hate Bellatrix, what she became and what pain her actions caused so many people. I think now I realise that I do agree with Bellatrix, when I announced my engagement to Ted she'd told me that if I followed through I would be no sister of hers. I see that now, and agree, because she is no sister of mine now.

Narcissa was smarter than Bella and never joined the Death Eaters and in the end she proved that her love for her son combated her fear or devotion to a power-crazed psycho and she tipped the scales in the final battle. I do hope one day I can reconcile with her. Even so there is too much bad blood between us. She sided against me and could have reached out to me at any time. Every owl I ever sent her got sent back. I truly hope we can reconcile but I fear that is all it will ever remain: a hope.

There is so much pain I have suffered in my life, more than some, and a lot less than others who made it out of the war, but in all of this, after all I have lost I still have my spark of hope: my darling grandson. Nymphadora and Remus will live on through him, their little ray of sunshine.

**Sincerely, Andromeda Tonks.**

P.S. Please do not refer to me as Andy or Dromeda, those nicknames bring up too many painful memories.


	72. Rabastan Lestrange

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Okay I know I have a brother but you can use _my_ name you know. Everytime I read a FanFiction where I'm mentioned you just refer to me and my brother as "the Lestranges" is it so hard to say, Rodolphus, or Rabastan?

I know my father had probably inhaled too many doxy droppings when he named me, well, either that or he was severly pissed on Firewhiskey - because seriously why in the name of _Circe_ would you name your kid Rabastan?- but you can address me properly you know.

Ra-bas-tan. There its not hard is it. And don't even think about calling me Stan for short, people will start mistaking me for that good-for-nothing Knight Bus conductor, Stan Shunpike. _Damn idiotic fool_. I'll have you know I'm handy with the Cruciatus curse and will be more than willing to curse you into oblivion on a whim. *strokes wand*

_Dear big brother_ Roddy - yes, only I can call him that - wanted me to tell you to stop pairing his wife with the Dark Lord, or Merlin forbid _me_. Incest may be alright with some of my family members but that shit doesn't fly with me. On that note don't pair me with the muggle lover Andromeda or that half-breed loving daughter of hers. And Potters side-kick, Granger? Really! Me date a mudblood? Have you even seen my dark mark? That's not how I roll.

Oh and that vault that the bloody 'golden trio' raided was mine! There are two born Lestranges, Rodolphus and I. Bella was originally a Black so it wasn't in fact her ancient family heirlooms that were being rifiled through, but mine! And could you stop with all the other people you have visiting my vault, or breaking into it should I say, because last time I visited my nans favourite crystal vase was broken. If she comes back to haunt me from the grave you'd better watch your back because I'm coming after YOU.

**Sincerely,** **Rabastan Lestrange.**


	73. Mirror of Erised

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I was never gifted with the art of speech. Nor that of motion or touch. But I have always been here, watching and listening. For centuries I have sat here just _seeing_. You're probably wondering how I write this, but that my friends will remain a secret. One I will take to ... well I was going to say my grave but I am a mirror so can I die? But I was never truly living, so I guess I cannot die, as death is attributed to once living things.

But I am writing this because I wanted to thank you. Do my words surprise you? I guess they do. But my presence in this world has been solitary for many long ages. Many think of me as just a simple object but they neglect to dwell on one important fact. I may be a object, but I am a _magical_ object. Which brings me back to why I am thanking you. Well, the simple truth is you remember me. It's so easy to get tossed aside but many of you write about me remembering who I am and what I do.

I cannot see the future, though. I am not a seer. I only see the inner-most desires of those you look upon me. The truth is reflected in my magical mirror, a truth which you cannot deny. You could look upon me and see a desire you never knew you ever had. If you wish to know yours, find me and look upon me.

**Sincerely, the Mirror of Erised.**

P.S. I am flattered, by why on earth do I have a character listing?


	74. Phineas Nigellus

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am appalled that people could even think this was possible but Teacher/Student relationships DO NOT happen under any circumstance at Hogwarts.

Never.

Honestly, a Severus Snape and Hermione Granger?... That is depraved, vile, and paedophilic not to mention every other vile word in the wizarding dictionary

#&£ ##% foul.

Apologies for besmirching my mouth with foul words but they were needed.

In regard to my family, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, we do _not _have repulsive names. Phineas is a perfectly proper pureblood name. As are those of my ancestors and descendents.

If you happen to run in to anyone of my blood, warn them not to break family tradition and name their kids something stupid and infantile like "Eddie" because I will come back from the grave and give a new meaning to haunting.

**Sincerely, Phineas Nigellus.**


	75. Narcissa Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am not in an abusive or forced marriage. Lucius and I love each other and married of our own free will. I am a pureblood woman from the Noble House of Black and would never allow myself to be put in a situation where no affection exists.

Also, I am not "cold-hearted" or "evil". Just because I don't care for _you_, does not mean I have no emotions. Rest assured though, that if you so much as touch my son you will see a whole new side to me which will make you remember that, while my husband is a Death Eater, he is not the only one handy with a wand.

As for Bella, she always was as she is now. Azkaban merely acted as a catalyst, if you will. But blood will always be thicker than water - and quite a lot stickier - but I will always protect me and my own first and foremost.

I've never given much regard to you muggles but you must be thoroughly disturbed if you think I would ever touch that filthy mudblood, Hermione Granger, who goes to Hogwarts with my son. Also, while I love my sister I am not having an incestuous relationship with her. As for Severus, he is my husband's friend and my son's teacher, he has no other affiliation to me.

And what, pray tell, is wrong with my hair? *narrows eyes* I think blonde and brunette go perfectly well together.

**Sincerely, Narcissa Malfoy.**

P.S. My son, Draco, would like to know "In the name of Sweet Salazar. What. The. Hell. Is. Drapple?"


	76. Armando Dippet

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

In all my years as headmaster and consequent years spent as a portrait, I never heard anything as absurd as the Head Boy and Head Girl sharing a dormitory and common room. That would be a wholly inappropriate arrangement.

Simply preposterous.

Hogwarts has for many centuries been a very upstanding, reputable, conservative school and I hope you would acquiesce to stop diminishing the name of such an old and deeply-rooted institution.

Also it has been brought to my attention that there are some misconceptions regarding the actual whereabouts of Hogwarts. To clear up: Hogwarts in located in Scotland. Not England, or Merlin forbid, America.

I should also mention that the disaster which was the Hogwarts students' rendition of "The Fountain of Fair Fortune" pantomime was not my idea. That blame does not fall in my court.

**Sincerely, Armando Dippet.**

P.S. You can stop blaming me for expelling Hagrid. How was I to know Tom Riddle framed him? I even liked Tom, the boy could have charmed off the pants off the Minister of Magic himself if her wanted to. I never knew he would grow up to be Lord Voldemort.


	77. Arabella Figg

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Yes I love cats, and yes, I am a squib.

Just because Filch also has a cat and is a squib does _not_ mean we are romantically compatible. Have you seen his teeth? Yuck.

Anyway I prefer the company of my part-kneazle cats, they are very interesting characters especially Mr. Tibbles. Actually a few years ago when Minerva was keeping an eye of young Harry, Mr Tibbles actually took quite a liking to her, in her cat form of course. The kitten was quite smitten with the woman. Minerva wasn't too impressed as you can imagine. She hadn't been seen in Little Whinging since!

It would be nice though if you could all write more stories about me as there are not nearly enough. Just remember that while we cannot do magic, squibs are cool!

I would also prefer it if you would refrain from shortening my name to Bella. People may mistake me for that wretched Death Eater, or worse that vampire loving Bella Swan.

**Sincerely, Arabella Figg.**

P.S. A note of caution: Cat food should only be eaten in moderation.


	78. Scabior

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I ain't in love with no mudblood. I make me living as a snatcher. We find those on the run, then we snatch 'em. That's how we snatchers make our money.

That Granger bird ain't nothing special to me. An uptight, prissy little girl is what she is. But she don't smell half bad.

You think my life is romantic, hate to be pedantic but it ain't! I ain't no Prince Charming, lovelies, I capture people then pocket a few of their things meself.

I'm a bad guy. I ain't no romantic hero who falls in love with every person I snatch. Believe me, if I snatch you, I ain't gonna save you.

As for the mangy wolf, Fenrir, I don't know what he said about us but we ain't got nothing going on between us. Besides, he's got a biting fetish and I don't want rabies! Though, I did hear a rumour from that fella, Stan Shunpike, that Fenrir and that Lupin guy had a "thing" going on, whatever that means ...

*shrugs*

**Sincerely, Scabior.**


	79. Merope Gaunt

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Life is grim. There is no real kindness in this world. You would do well to remember that.

You demean my decisions and the person who I am, but that only tells me that you've never had to live your entire life with people who are devoid of love. A life where your own father and brother treat you akin to dirt- as if I am no more than a slave.

Marvolo has told me that on many occasions. That all I will ever amount to is an inconvenience. He's not worthy of the title of father, so I shall never give it to him. I am an embarrassment, a failure, and do you know why? Morfin always relishes the chance to hiss in my face and remind me that I am a filthy squib, that while I know about magic, and am a descendent of one of the greatest wizards of all time, Salazar Slytherin, I am not truly one of them as I have no magic.

I was a lonely girl. The sole comfort I had was my imagination, to imagine a world where someone truly cared for me. Even though the only love I ever knew was false, I will treasure those few moments where I truly believed that Thomas cared for me.

I never knew what my son would become. How could I have? But life treated him the same way it treated me, but I do know that I am partly to blame. My bitterness and loathing for t world, which only ever sought to ridicule and mock me, seeped into my child. He was warped by my anger and anguish, having to live a loveless childhood just like me.

Life is unkind and led me to the decisions I made in life. I regret none of them.

**Sincerely, Merope Gaunt.**


	80. Florean Fortescue

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Carte D'or? Ben & Jerry's? Viennetta? McFlurry? Häagen-Dazs?

What on earth are these Muggle abominations? Clear insults to the craft of ice-creamery I say!

And yes, ice-cream making is a craft. Old Ollivander has his wands, Rosmerta has her drinks, Madam Malkins has her robes and I have my ice-cream. By far the best profession, if I say so myself. But I have let myself go, as of late.

But honestly, do you really enjoy those sorry excuses for ice-creams?

_Really?_

*shakes head*

Dear, oh dear.

Additive-ridden and factory made with second rate ingredients.

*mutters*

You have clearly not tasted the creamy, mouth-wateringly tasty treats in my shop.

You don't believe me?

Alas, this is a travesty. My shop is renowned nationally for its service of excellence in tickling taste buds. We have a variety of flavours and toppings, from the common like chocolate with raspberry and nuts, to the more unusual: firework flavoured cones, which really do explode in your mouth!

My father was close friends with good old Bertie Bott and we struck a deal in which I could introduce his confectionary flavours to ice-cream. It's been working a treat - no pun intended - the tutti-frutti, cinnamon, roasted marshmallow and watermelon being the most popular. The sardine flavour has been experiencing poor sales, except for when Arabella Figg or Filch visit. They seem quite taken with the flavour.

I do have a whole load of ideas in my arsenal and have been experimenting with many ingredients and flavours. If you want a particular flavour, let me know and I'll whisk it up. There has been one exception were I was stumped. A chap named Sanguini, who I didn't realise, was a vampire at first, well he asked for a blood flavoured cone. Had to turn him down. Never seen someone look so disappointed. Poor guy! I had to fish out some old blood pops to get him to smile again.

I have to say though, by far my favourite idea has been Butterbeer flavoured ice-cream! That would taste fantastic. Add a few magical sprinkles and absolute magic!

I would love for you to come down, taste my treats and have a chat. I happen to be quite the historian and I heard an interesting rumour about where the Unbeatable Wand may be. But you'll have to visit to get the full story.

**Sincerely, Florean Fortescue.**


	81. Bellatrix Lestrange

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

That mudblood scum still carries a mark from my knife. I'd be happy to carve my appreciation into your flesh too. I've always hated muggles, but their form of torture is so much more satisfying.

*takes out knife*

*grins*

I was born into the noble house of Black. I am a pureblood. I despise muggles and mudbloods. And I have always thought this way. Do not mistake me for someone else and write about me like I was sweet and fluffy prior to Azkaban.

I wasn't.

Akzaban didn't change me, it just kept me away from the Dark Lord for too many years. But those Ministry officials, Aurors and Order of the Phoenix members got their payback in the end.

As for Rodolphus, my relationship with my husband doesn't concern you.

_CRUCIO._

**Sincerely, Bellatrix Lestrange.**

P.S. I despise children. I want no children. I have no children.


	82. Vernon Dursley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

It's no secret I hated Harry, but I never beat the living daylights out of him.

Sure, we occasionally forgot to feed him, verbally demeaned him and at times ignored his entire presence. However, that doesn't mean but I punched his face in every week.

Besides, I wouldn't risk the boy using his hocus pocus on my family.

I am a normal man, with a dutiful wife and son who I am proud of, so stop tarnishing my sterling reputation. I never even wanted the damn boy to live with us. That was Petunia's doing.

You are all normal like me. So, if you must write stories, write ones about Petunia and I and our normal relationship. Our normal jobs. Our normal friends. And our normal son. Not those ... _abominations_...

**Sincerely, Vernon Dursley.**


	83. Irma Pince

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I would have thought that every one of you would have the appreciation of books, such wondrous pieces of fact, fiction and sheer genius. Yet you seek to portray me as an aged librarian suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder!

*inhales book*

Nothing can beat the smell of fresh parchment, or holding a newly bound book, or even the feeling you get when running your fingers down the spine of an old book.

To those who were nodding when reading that, you clearly understand the value and importance of books.

*cradles book lovingly*

To those that think I've gone slightly senile spending half my life around books, well you are the ones writing about me with highly inaccurate depictions.

Just because I spend hours of my time at Hogwarts shouting at the Neanderthal children who seek to eat and drink over my beloved books. Or the mischief-making ones that continuously test my patience by folding my book's pages. _(Folding_ pages! How could anyone do such a foul thing?)

Well, none of the aforementioned things mean that I don't have a life outside books. I do have one, thank you very much. I just take pride in my job and see myself as integral to the running of Hogwarts. After all, what is a school with a library?

My darling Filch is also displeased with the anti-Filch stories being written. Cease insulting my love any further, he is a fragile soul.

**Sincerely, Irma Pince.**

P.S. While my name is an anagram of 'I am Prince' that does not mean I am the mother of Severus Snape or that silly pseudonym he goes by: 'The Half-Blood Prince.'


	84. Lord Voldemort

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

AVADA KEDAVRA!

For you filthy muggles that are still alive, you'd better read what I have very carefully, before I decide to kill you very slowly and painfully.

Firstly, while Bella is a highly proficient killer with an admirable blood lust, I am not having a 'special' relationship with her. That level of psychosis is a bit much, even for _me_.

Secondly, I do not have any children. I do not want children. And I do not even like children. I am immortal, so why would I need an heir?

Thirdly, Nagini is not an animagus nor my lover. She is my loyal pet.

**Sincerely, Lord Voldemort.**

P.S. Nothing is wrong with my nose. I seem to think it fits in with the whole, 'menacing evil look' I have going on.

*shrugs*

*Takes out wand*

CRUCIO!


	85. Morgan le Fey

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Harry Potter is not my long-lost heir. Nor are any of his friends. I don't even have an heir. My lineage died out long ago.

Besides, I was a powerful dark witch and Queen of Avalon. My heir wouldn't be so weak and hero-seeking as the Potter boy is.

Though, I suspect he may very well be related to that godforsaken half-rate wizard, Merlin. He couldn't be related to _dear_ little brother Artie, though, as Arthur has as much magic as a chamber pot.

**Sincerely, Morgan le Fey.**

P.S. I am not in love with that vile fool Merlin.


	86. Salazar Slytherin

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I have always believed in the supremacy of pure blood. I do not deny it. If that justifies your decision to name me evil, then so be it. I accept the charges.

I am no liar.

The hypocrisy of Godric, Helga and Rowena, however, has no bounds. I openly acknowledge Slytherin as a selective House for preferably pureblood students who possess ambition and cunning.

My co-founders also were selective in choosing their students. Bravery and courage for Gryffindor. Intelligence for Ravenclaw. And loyalty and honesty for Hufflepuff. But because they disagreed with my preferences for children from pure magical lineage I was forced to leave.

I disagreed with some of the traits of my fellow Houses but I didn't force my opinion upon the others. This school was founded together and while I accepted many things which I didn't completely agree on, the one thing I refused to waver on they condemned.

They claimed Hogwarts should be an institution for all magical children. But weren't they themselves excluding students with their own preferences?

While I left Hogwarts, some remains of my presence still remain and will ensure their disloyalty will one day be paid.

**Sincerely, Salazar Slytherin.**

P.S. I was never married to Helga, Rowena or - Morgana forbid - Godric. I wouldn't marry a hypocrite. In the end all they turned out to be was false friends.


	87. The Ministry of Magic

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

In the entirety of the history of the Ministry of Magic, only one time turner has _ever_ been on loan to a student: Hermione Jean Granger.

That time turner was returned to the Ministry.

Since then the entire collection of time turners previously in possession of the Ministry were destroyed in 1996 during the battle in the Department of Mysteries.

So it is physically impossible for anybody least of all a Hogwarts Student to come across a time turner to go back in time. Even if there was a time turner available this would not be sanctioned by the Ministry of Magic and the person of intent would be charged and locked in Azkaban.

**Sincerely, The Ministry of Magic.**

P.S. A note of caution: time travel is dangerous and should not be attempted at home. The same goes for attempting to fly _without_ a broom.

*facepalm*


	88. Rodolphus Lestrange

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

What does he have that I don't? I just don't get it. Why does she like him better than me?

Okay, he is my Master and I get that he is super-powerful and the greatest wizard that has ever lived, but looks-wise? _Hell_ no. He fails miserably in that department.

A butt ugly mofo if I say so myself. But I guess it goes with the job, I mean if Gilderoy Lockhart proclaimed himself an evil Dark Lord everyone would piss themselves laughing till the cows came home.

But I suppose if I ever want Bellatrix to look at me again, I'll have to shave off my hair and smash my nose in, as it seems a shiny bald head and an absent nose seems to get Bells all dreamy eyed.

Don't even get me started on the creepy red eyes, though. I've seen her staring at them bug-eyed like some lovesick puppy, always after approval.

It's actually quite creepy.

And I could swear he's like seventy or something.

Merlin, he really is old. Man, I've got to stop working for a pensioner. When his heart finally kicks it, I'll be given a one way ticket to Azkaban.

But seriously though ... a _pensioner_? I guess Bells really is mad.

And to think I thought Potter had bad taste.

But whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

**Sincerely, Rodolphus Lestrange.**

P.S. Don't show this letter to the Dark Lord. It's probably the old age setting in but I've started to get back pains and I'd quite like to go a week without getting _Crucio'd_. I've learnt it's not so fun on the receiving end.


	89. Augusta Longbottom

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

HA.

Never underestimate the older wizarding population. I may be old but I'd duel you any day and win. If you doubt me just ask that old fellow Dawlish. I hear he's still in St. Mungo's.

The standard of Aurors really has slipped since the days of Frank. Though, that Kingsley Shacklebolt is pretty handy with a wand. If I were a Death Eater I wouldn't want to get on his wrong side.

*nods head in appreciation*

You know what?

Forget Dumbledore's Army.

Forget the Order of the Phoenix.

Forget even the bloody Avengers. Frank had a muggle-born friend at Hogwarts who was so obsessed with comic books that even I heard about them.

But forget all of those groups. I've said it once, but I'll say it again: Don't underestimate the elderly. If there'd been a rebel organization back in my day Albus, Minerva, Alastor and I would've made one hell of a team. We would be the: _Magical Avengers_.

You ever wonder where Frank got his talent from, well certainly not his father. There is a lot more to me than meets the eye. You probably can't tell now, but in my heyday I was quite the looker, I could charm the pants off even the most narcissistic goblin.

One thing that hasn't diminished though, is my fashion sense. Except I can't say the same for the rest of the magical population, with their vile clothing. What happened to proper dress? My vulture hat is a beauty, a timeless fashion piece. I was thinking of giving it to Hannah as an engagement gift.

I must say I do approve. My grandson and Hannah make a perfect couple. Though, I do wonder if it is healthy to live above a pub. But I won't interfere, I'd rather not become like that wretched woman Muriel. She really is a nightmare.

As for Neville I am proud of him. I may not have shown it before, but he knows it now. There once was a time when I questioned if he had the Longbottom spirit, but he is a Longbottom through and through. Frank and Alice would be proud.

**Sincerely, Augusta Longbottom.**

P.S. Don't mess with the Longbottoms. We are badass.


	90. Xenophilius Lovegood

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

_"I'm too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my robe, too sexy it hurts..." _

OH, sorry. I forgot I was writing a letter. I was just grooving out, listening to one of my favourite old songs on the wireless and oops, would you look at that! I've written what I was singing.

Every time I wear my favourite egg-yellow robe I remember this song. It actually keeps the Nargles away ... for a while at least.

My apologies again. I'm afraid my manners have also temporarily deserted me as I have yet to even introduce myself. That isn't like me. Hmm ... I think Luna was right when she told me a Wrackspurt was loose in our house again. Pesky, but fascinating creatures they are.

Without further ado: Hi, I am Xenophilius and I know how to Lovegood. That old line is one we Lovegood's have been using for years. It was a combination of that, and my thesis on Crumple-Horned Snorknacks that my wife agreed to marry me ... before she accidentally killed herself.

I miss her, but at least she went out with a Bang! That's how she would have wanted to go.

On a more serious note, and sorry for being a Debbie Downer but I am dreadfully sorry about tricking Harry and calling the Death Eaters on him. I was only doing it because I was afraid for my Luna.

Harry has accepted my apologies, so you should too.

**Sincerely, Xenophilius Lovegood.**

P.S. Beware of the illusive Snuffler. They bite …


	91. Gideon Prewett

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

We're offended that you never write about us. We being Fab and I. Fab being short for Fabian. Though I don't know why I call him that, he's not all that fab to be honest.

_Hey! Yes I am! I'm Fabian the fantastically, fabulous-_

More like Fabian the uh ... foolish?

_PAHAHA. Is that the best you could come up with? You're losing your touch brother._

Ignore all that. That was just my infantile little bro who decided to hijack my letter.

_Oi. We're the same age-_

*snatches back letter*

He contests the age thing but not the infantile bit?

Alright. Alright. Sorry Fabian is giving me the death glare right now. I should stop before he curses me or something - and believe me his curses hurt like getting bitten by a drunken troll with killer fangs.

_I am quite handy with a wand, aren't I?_

I've been on the receiving end too many times to disagree. Though you suck at charms.

_I do not!_

I recall you barely scraped an Acceptable. You were a mark away from a Poor but Flitwick liked you so he marked generously.

_That didn't happen._

Sorry. Got a little side-tracked there. To clear up: we're twins. But I'm about a minute older than him. HA.

Aw. Now Fabian is sulking. But on the plus side at least he put his wand away. Merlin, you'd think he was five or something. To think, he was once the member of the Order of the Phoenix that Death Eaters feared the most. Aside from Dumbledore and Alastor, of course. How the mighty have fallen!

I jest people. I love me little bro, he's my other half, you know? The ying to my yang, the jam to my doughnut. And he is Fab, but more like that strawberry ice-cream with the sprinkles.

_I love that lolly. Never knew you thought so much of me. But seriously, I'm the jam to your doughnut? What's that supposed to mean? But thanks for the praise though, Gid. You make me blush._

Enough of your sarcasm. Let me write this damn letter before I run out of ink.

_I'd write me own letter but it is so much more fun interrupting yours._

*clears throat for emphasis*

We are the original duo: Fabian and Gideon. The original Gred and Forge.

_It's Fred and George, you numpty!_

Typo- dear bother.

_I think you meant 'dear b**r**other,' Gid._

Now that wasn't a typo. Bother is exactly what I meant.

_Ouch. That hurt. You're like a pregnant woman you know that Gid?_

Hmm... I have put a few pounds on lately ...

_Not in that way. I mean, one second I'm, quote: 'the jam to your doghnut', the next I'm a 'bother.'_

_ You know what I think the nargles got to you._

Nargles? You've been at old Lovegood's place again, haven't you?

_Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies._

Okay, back to this letter. What was I talking about ... oh, yeah my nephews. We're glad that our nephews carried on the legacy but you always seem to forget us!

_Rightly said. I think the only mention I ever got was that Molls gave Harry my watch._

I give up! This is more Fab's letter than mine.

**Sincerely, Gideon Prewett.**

_(With comments from Fabian.)_

_P.S. If you see Dolohov be a dear and curse him for us. It's not much of a party being dead._


	92. Hannah Longbottom

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Why do you act as if I'm a home-wrecker? I'm not! I promise.

Luna isn't one either, she's a lovely girl. So stop making it look like we hate each other.

Sure she could be a little bit on the odd-side of things, but she's still a lovely unique girl. Her and Neville go way back, they are close friends, so Luna and Rolf come around for dinner quite often. In fact, Lorcan and Lysander are very good friends with my kids, Alice and Frank.

And before you ask (because I know you will) there is nothing remotely romantic between them. Luna is very happily married and I hear the Scamander family is going on yet another expedition.

As for Ernie?

WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP IN ANY WAY!

He's just a dear old friend of mine. Besides, he's in a relationship with a lovely Muggle girl.

Bottom line: I am not a home-wrecker, Luna isn't either and I am not cheating on Neville with Ernie.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

**Sincerely,** **Hannah Longbottom.**

P.S. I am a Hufflepuff. That means that there isn't a single cheating, back-stabbing or lying bone in my body. I'm loyal and in love with Nev.


	93. Buckbeak

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

How disgusting can you humans be?

Let me start from the beginning. I am a very proud Hippogriff and one insult towards me and I could be responsible for making you checking into St. Mungo's. Keep that in mind.

Now let me start ranting. Firstly, as I said before, I am a Hippogriff, not an Animagus - I doubt you can actually turn into a Hippogriff, but whatever that's not the point - and I have not, repeat NOT, in a romantic relationship with Hagrid, Sirius, Harry or, Merlin forbid, McNair - HE WAS MY EXECUTIONER.

Hagrid was, and is, my best friend. He looked after me and understood how stupid that bleach blond ferret was when he insulted me, believe he got off easy. When Harry gave me back to Hagrid and renamed me Witherwings, I was delightened that I was going back to my original owner. Ha, you should've seen the look on his face when Harry told him that I was coming back.

Now, Sirius (may he rest in peace) was a very good friend of mine, I assisted his escape for the Dementors and he repaid me by looking after me the best he could, he found a cave, got me food and, once we moved into Grimmauld Place, gave a room of my own and he told me I could do whatever destructive I wanted to it, giving that it was his mother's old room.

She screamed in fright when she saw me, Sirius was shouting at her and I was laughing to myself, it's not everyday you see a talking (well, screaming) painting.

**Sincerely, Buckbeak.**

P.S. These talons are sharp

*slowly extends talons*

And deadly.


	94. Scorpius Malfoy

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Rosie-Posie likes me, eh? May have to Floo her sometime.

I can't say I'm a fan of carrot-hair and freckles though. But she is easy on the eyes.

And who the heck is Albus? Is he that Potter kid? We're not friends. I don't even know the kid.

Just for the record, I don't date Potter spawn.

If I even joked about it, Father would have a bloody aneurysm.

**Sincerely, Scorpius Malfoy.**


	95. Rose Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The Rose does not date guys over a decade younger than her.

Besides, Lorcan and Lysander are like five. So, no, I'm not having a relationship with either of them. Besides, the Lovegood's or Scamander's, rather, have a dollop of crazy more than I'm into.

As for my cousins, don't even go there. Seriously. Unless you want to get hit by my own blend of the Bat Bogey Hex.

My Aunt Ginny, you see, is one hell of a teacher. Well, only where Hex's and Curse's are concerned. Even James occasionally does a double-take before doing a stupid prank as he knows when his mother finds out there'll be hell and more to pay.

As for Ferret Jr. I don't give a rat's ass about him. I'm not in love with him. I'm not dating him. I'm not pining for him.

I know why everyone thinks I had a thing for him, though. In my first year I mentioned offhandedly to Victoire that I thought he was cute and with her big gob it spread like fiendfyre. Honestly, she's got a bigger mouth than Great-Great Aunt Muriel. If she wasn't half-French they'd get on like The Three Broomsticks on fire.

Where was I? Oh year, Blonde Ferret the second. He was actually kind of cute as a first year with his wispy blonde hair and that awkward tiny face of his. But not in the 'I fancy the pants off of you' kind of cute. The 'What an adorable pet you have' kind of cute.

So, yeah. I don't have a "thing" for him. Can't say the same for Albus though.

*laughs*

Anyway, I always thought Malfoy was gay. He seems the type, you know? *shrugs* Whatevs.

**Sincerely, Rose Weasley.**


	96. Hugo Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Okay. First my mother and a Malfoy. Now my sister and a Malfoy?

What the heck is wrong with you guys. What's with the Malfoy obsession? If you love him so much why don't you marry him?

I think Hermione/Draco is actually one of the most popular pairing on this site. To my abject horror. Seriously, there are literally thousands of stories about them. I wouldn't wanna be you when Dad find's these. You do know he's an Auror, right? ... Just sayin'.

I don't even see the Malfoy appeal, really. Yeah they have bags of money, but they're a shade away from albino with their deathly pale hair and white-washed faces. Besides, they're all Slytherins anyway. Slimy little twerps.

I've even seen a few stories where my mother marries Draco Malfoy and they have twins called Hugo and Scorpius.

O_O

Mum got me a DVD for Christmas called 'Hugo' and in the muggle movie world all I'm hearing is this whole uproar with people cooing about how good the film is. So much for being the only Hugo. There goes my claim to fame ... Martin Scorsese is a lege though.

At any rate I'd rather be compared to that Hugo as opposed to Hugo Strange. You know, that crazy professor in batman. Come on? Batman? …. Not ringing any bells? … You guys need to stay in more because DC comics rule!

Rose calls them nerdy I call them seriously cool. It might just be a guy thing though. Can't wait for the new Batman movie, should be epic!

One last thing: I could say this till I'm blue in the face but for the love of bloody Merlin, Dumbledore and Fawkes I'm not gay.

I'm not, alright.

Oh I give up.

*facepalm*

**Sincerely, Hugo Weasley.**


	97. Albus Severus Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

So before I address some of the mind-boggling stories about me there are some other things I've got to talk about first.

So I've been reading some of the other letters my family and friends have written to you guys, and I have to set a few things straight.

Scop, I know you're reading this. Very funny, with the "Who the heck is Albus?" line. Feigning ignorance so your father doesn't find out were friends. Very Malfoy of you.

On the subject of Scorpius and I, we're not in a 'special relationship.' We're best friends; I even have the friendship bracelets to prove it!

Kidding.

But Scorp isn't gay. I can confirm that for a fact as I know him and a certain red-haired cousin of mine are in a relationship of-sorts.

I read your letter too Rose, and you can vehemently deny it, or skirt around the subject as much as you like but I know the truth.

You see, in case you've been living under a rock and don't know this, but the Weasley's and Malfoy's have never seen eye-to-eye.

That's why Rose and Scorpius have been hiding their relationship. Think modern day Romeo and Juliet, minus all the dramatics and pointless deaths.

But I've had enough of all the lies, besides it is Hogwart's worst kept secret anyway. See, Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione know.

Yes Rose, sorry to say they've known for a while. You know when you thought a Niffler was going through your mail … yeah that was no Niffer… think Auror, red-hair, likes food and Quidditch…

Uncle Ron is still in denial trying to figure out where he screwed up his parenting skills and can't believe his not-so-little girl could have feelings for a Malfoy.

As for the Lily/Scorpius. PAHAHAHAH. There is no way in seven hells that would happen. Firstly, there is the whole Rose factor.

Anyway, if Mr. Malfoy would have an aneurysm about finding out about Rose and his son, Merlin knows what would happen if he though his son was dating a Potter ...

Speaking of, does my Dad know about these? Sweet Godric, he'd go mental at the mere idea of him being related to a Malfoy.

Oh, the horror!

(Sorry. Nothing personal Scorp.)

**Sincerely, Albus Severus Potter.**


	98. Lily Luna Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Unlike the others, I think it's a really cool thing you do, writing stories about us and pairing the most impossible people with each other; but not always. Sometimes, I'd like to hit you with a huge bludger- the aim depends on your gender.

Just imagine for a second, reading a story about your FATHER being in love with his mother's ex- friend, or your Uncle running away with the family enemy; honestly, wouldn't you vomit? Just let me make this clear, once and for all, Dumbledore is the only gay wizard I have ever known, and nobody has been interested in these things in my family so far. And the things you write about my grandma and the great ferret's dad… well, all I can say is if she didn't like granddad Weasley, she would definitely not have seven children.

*snorts disapprovingly*

Oh, and James would like me to tell you that just because he's the best looking Quidditch player at Hogwarts, it doesn't mean he'll go out with ALL the girls you pair him with. Some of them are not his thing, really.

As for me, PLEASE stop pushing me and Scorpius together. He's Rose's property, and I personally don't fancy pale blond boys. It's not nice to steal people's boyfriends, people.

Well, enough nagging. You do happen to be Muggles, after all; these subjects might be trendy in your world, and I'm not blaming you for that.

_*_smiles sweetly*

Anyway, I did find Victoire's letters in her room the other day, and I'm telling you, it's all a lie. They've been together for over a year now, and their romantic relationship is kind of sickening, if you ask me. I've always disliked French romance… they kiss like it's the last time they can do it.

*shudders*

Well, I'll be going now. I'm having a trip to Hogsmeade with Rose as _cousins._

**Sincerely, Lily Luna Potter.**

P.S. Please don't write that much about Granddad Weasley; this much excitement isn't too healthy for a man of his age… he can't even sit properly when I turn on the computer.

* * *

**Author Note:** Huge thanks to the amazing **PoisonParadiseExpress** who wrote this chapter!


	99. Dominique Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I am not a crazy, obsessed idiot who spends my time constantly being jealous of Victoire and Teddy. Vic told me that there isn't a _'Victoire and Teddy'_ anyway. I don't really believe her.

Victoire wouldn't tell me the truth anyway as she knows anything she says, dad will end up knowing. It's not like I'm a snitch or anything, but I just can't lie to dad. Even when I try to do so he knows. It's kind of spooky, like he's got a sixth sense or something. But seriously, he worked with sneaky little Goblins his entire life so he can spot a lie even if its not dancing naked in one of grans famous Christmas jumpers.

Victoire can get away with lying - and probably murder! - as she uses her veela charm which dad is a sucker for. My veela-ness is unfortunately perpetually dormant.

For the records, I'm not in love with any of my cousins either. James is an idiot. Albus is too involved in his bromance with Scorpius Malfoy. Fred is a riot, but not my type. Hugo is, well Hugo is Hugo. I think that covers the males, and I already mentioned not feeling anything for Teddy. Though he has awesome hair.

This is way too common for my liking but I'm not an emotionless Slytherin and a crazy music-loving punk-type person either. Seriously people, where've you been getting your information?

**Sincerely,** **Dominique Weasley.**

P.S. Dad is not a bloody werewolf. He just likes to occasionally bite things ... and likes bloodied raw meat...


	100. Victoire Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

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**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I know my entire family thinks I'm dating Teddy, but sorry to say, we're not togther.

Sure, I kissed him but I kiss a lot of people... Hey! There's nothing wrong with that. I'm French. It's what we do in the country of love. Then there is the Veela issue. Guys are clueless around me.

I do like Teddy and he has asked me out twice already, but I declined. I need to get past the fact that he is practically my cousin. Maybe third time lucky?

Besides, Teddy does this really wierd thing while snogging: his hair starts to turn bright pink. Then as soon as we pull away it flahes lime green then goes back to its original colouring. It's kind of distracting, but also sort-of cool.

Guys, could you quit it with the Lily/Teddy stuff. Teddy was horrified, as Lily is like a little sister to him.

**Sincerely, Victoire Weasley.**

P.S. Don't mess with me. My name means Victory, so just think of me as the Veela unbeatable wand, i.e. I never lose.


	101. Angelina Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I'll miss Fred, we all will but I was never in love with him. He was a good friend but a relationship between us? _Puh-lease._ His words not mine. The Yule ball was fun but we were never a couple that was meant to be.

Man, I miss him a lot. I won't cry though, Fred wouldn't want that. Besides, he'd probably have a riot knowing I'm crying about him and then he'd take the mickey out of me.

George however is the brother for me. Love that guy. But he can sure as hell be downright annoying. He keeps casting invisibility charms on my shoes, while I'm wearing them! The other day I was in Diagon Alley and I was wondering why I was getting some funny looks until I noticed it looked like I was traipsing around in just my polka dot socks. So, not funny.

I swear though, my son Fred is turning into the exact replica of his uncle. Get this, he's only a first year but I've had a third letter from the Headmaster about how he was caught putting itching powder in the Slytherin Quidditch teams robes just before the Slytherin Vs. Hufflepuff match.

Okay, that is quite funny as the Headmaster further detailed how all the team members burst into a frenzy of itching whilst suspended 40ft. in the sky on their broomsticks. Apparently the Hufflepuffs were perplexed until someone sighted the Snitch. The Slytherin beater had pointed to it with his bat and the exact moment a particularly nasty itching came on, he accidentally threw the bat at the Hufflepuff seeker ... as you can imagine broken bones ensued. A fall from that height isn't all rainbows and sunshine, I still remember Harry's fall.

As you can imagine I wasn't impressed. I still think the three months of detention were tame. Roxy's not far off him though, but I admit she's a lot smarter with her pranks as she has yet to be caught.

I'm sure you all heard about the love potion that was _'accidentally' _poured into the Hogwart's fountain and drinking supply last Valentine's Day? Well, while the culprit was never caught, I know it was Roxanne.

I'm 110% sure George was in on the plot as well. When I was doing inventory a week before the event I noticed the suspicious amount of missing love potion and when I confronted George he was particularly vague about it. Then, I saw him exchange a large bag with Roxanne both wearing conspiratorial smirks.

Obvious much?

I'll let her get away with that one. At least there were no broken bones ... Besides; I'm no killjoy I like a good laugh.

God I love those kids. Brings me right back to my days at Hogwarts.

By the way guys, I totally love all the stories where I'm a badass Quidditch player. Keep those up, I especially like those where I'm a better player than George. He vehemently disagrees but we are know the truth.

Actually the Weasley family has an annual big Quidditch game every summer. We all play: Bill, Charlie, George, Ron, Ginny, Fleur, Harry, and I. Sometimes we have an Adults Vs. Kids game. They're pretty good, but with our genes course they are. Only: James, Rose, Victoire, Dominique, Roxanne, Fred, Lucy and Teddy play though. Louis is a little young, Hugo takes after his mother and much prefer reading to sport. Albus and Lily occasionally play. And Molly is just like Perce and sits out.

Wow that's a lot of people. We are one heck of a big family.

**Sincerely, Angelina Weasley.**

P.S. Yup. You read right. I am no longer a Johnson but member of the coolest magical family. Don't deny it, you all know you wish you were a Weasley.


	102. Louis Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Well, unlike my cousins I have a different bone to pick with you. You hardly ever write about me.

I'm not a bad guy so I don't get why, but I guess I chalk it down to you just plain forgetting about me in favour of my more illustrious relatives.

I get it, my mother is a super veela-witch chosen for the Triwizard tournament. My father a curse breaker and Head boy at Hogwarts. Then all my aunts and uncles which include people like Harry Potter, Hermione Weasley, dragon tamer Charlie Weasley, Quidditch player Ginny Potter ...

I could go on.

I get it. Everyone is successful and great and all I have to show is my looks. That makes me as bad as Blaise bloody Zabini or even Barbie.

*vomits*

All I want is to be noticed every now and again. And not for my looks. I may be no Ravenclaw but I have a brain guys.

It's not like I'm a complete loser either, I'm a Gryffindor Chaser but even that gets overlooked because James is Seeker.

Some of you do write about me, though - thanks guys for helping a brother out, I have a rep to uphold and all - but Molly almost has more stories than me.

_MOLLY._

Not my Nan, mind you. She'd hex me into next year if I started calling her 'Molly'. No, in this case the Molly I mean is my good ol' cuzzie.

Molly Weasley 2.0 who is nothing like the original. A female version of my uncle Percy if there ever was one.

*shudders*

Don't get me wrong I love my family, but if you ever came to Hogwarts and met Molly, you'd understand and probably end up transferring to Beauxbatons.

Like one Percy in the world wasn't bad enough.

*sighs*

I mean, seriously, the guy got me a copy of **_'A Lengthy Discussion on the Causes, Consequences and Aftermath of the Medieval Goblin Rebellion'_**_ by Septimus Barrow with side-notes from Reginald Fossoway _for Christmas.

FAIL.

Dad and Uncle George had a riot laughing at me. But get this, Molly was actually jealous as she'd really wanted the book as apparently it's a rare first edition or something. Which turns out gives me great leverage as she's agreed to all my Potions essays until Christmas in exchange for it. For now it's doing a great job as a tea coaster.

Key point: The next time you're writing a story and think who you should write about you can go, 'Gee, Louis is an awesome guy, why don't I write about him.'

It's not that I am an attention seeker or anything but I happen to be a Weasley and there are tons of us so it does get a little hard to stand out. It doesn't help that I have two older sisters making me the "baby" and Vic likes to call me.

When I first started Hogwarts, I swear even the Sorting Hat was like: "Ha! Another Weasley, Gryffindor for you Lucy."

Come again ... LUCY!

Of course, the Sorting Hat insists that he said ..."Gryffindor for you, LUCKY" but I know better.

And the worst part of it is that 1.) I'm a guy, 2.) Louis sounds NOTHING like Lucy, 3.) I have a cousin called Lucy who isn't even at Hogwarts yet.

That bloody hat has always had it in for me.

Last year when Fred, James and I broke into the Headmasters office so that we could take the p- ... ah nearly slipped there. Can't tell you a thing about that, totally under wraps. Not to mention James would kill me three times over if I even mention it.

But the rag of a hat who witnessed the whole thing turned me in, but conveniently left out James and Fred's names. Typical.

That hat is evil I tell you. Evil.

Either that or it has a thing against the French, Veela's or good looking guys.

Mentioning James, the idiot has got everyone in the family calling me _'Loo-Wee' _and seems to find it hilarious. My Grand Père visited this summer and he's French so of course he says my name with an accent and hence the 'Loo-Wee.' It's been months since then and I've tried to shake it but it seems to be sticking.

Which brings me back to my point. I need my rep back. In the few stories you've written you do get some of it right. I am a bit of a ladies' man. I'm half-French after all and I do get the best of my parents' looks. Not to mention my Veela blood. The ladies seem to like the silvery-blonde hair and blue eyes but one thing I am not is a womanizer.

Having Veela blood does not equal unfaithful playboy womanizer. Stick to the truth.

Beside s I'm a one woman type of guy.

Au revoir.

**Sincerely, Louis Weasley. **

P.S. Dad would like me to remind you all for the millionth time HE IS NOT A WEREWOLF. But if would be kind of cool if he were, I might add. TTFN.

* * *

**Author Note:** Who next? I'm taking suggestions.


	103. James Sirius Potter

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Ello, ello, ello! The names Potter, James Bond ... uh I mean Potter. Definitely Potter.

Sorry, I'm a little whacked out right now. I'm pretty sure those "sweets" Fred gave me were anything but.

I should've known better to be honest.

But ... Oh, Pigfarts my mind just blanked on what I was gonna say.

Why am I even writing? ... Ah, yeah your stories.

What I wanna say is keep it up. I kind of like a few of them ... but steer clear of anything romantic between myself and any of my female cousins.

And also, my girlfriend isn't pregnant ... Yet.

Kidding.

But do keep in mind who I am named after: James Potter and Sirius Black. I got double dose of Marauder.

Actually, I don't even have a girlfriend currently, but do drop me a line if you're interested.

But if your related to Romilda Vane is any way shape or form don't even bother ... I've heard all my Dad's horror stories about that harpy from back in the old days.

And Guys, I also LOVE how Gryffindor always wins their games and the House Cup. The icing on the cake is when I catch the snitch. Nice additions. But you can cut the crap on Scorpius catching the golden snitch. The only thing he can catch if he tried is dragon pox.

While I'm mentioning Blonde Ferret the Second, you should quit the stuff about Lils and Scorpius.

AHH! The mental images ... they burn. BURN I tell you.

Stop them before I'm forced into taking matters into my own hands.

I may not have a license to kill, but I do have a license to Avada.

**Sincerely, James Sirius Potter.**

P.S. Nobody calls me Jaime. Ever. Just no.

P.P.S. The rumour about my animagus being a Phoenix is true.

*bows to my own brilliance*


	104. Amos Diggory

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I don't know what exactly you have done with my son, or who in blazing hell Bella Swan is, but I want my son back.

If he is returned immediately without further damage done to his reputation, like your lies insinuating he is a vegetarian vampire or sparkling fairy in love with a muggle, then I may decide to not report you to the authorities - muggle or magical.

I hope we can come to an amicable arrangement before more drastic measures be taken.

You have been warned.

**Sincerely, Amos Diggory.**


	105. Fabian Prewett

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I'M BACK!

Not from the dead, mind you. Now, that would be something, wouldn't it?

But never say never, if Mouldy Shorts could do it so can I. I am after all Fabian the fantastically, fabulous ... Ah, I'm out of f-words.

*thinks*

Hmm ... F-words. Oh, not definitely not THAT F-word people. No, no. I was thinking along more positive lines.

_How about Fabian the Fatty. It has a nice ring to it._

I resent that. Lies I tell you. LIES. I only put of four pounds, Gid. FOUR.

Anyway stop interrupting my letter. What part of 'Do not enter' did you not understand.

_The 'not' bit. To me it read 'Do enter' so here I am._

Fine. I'll just pretend you're not here.

Back to you guys. I've been meaning to write my own letter for a while, but my neglect of writing is down to the fact that I couldn't find a piece of parchment.

I did, however, find this piece stuffed down the side of a sofa this morning, along with a galleon and a peanut of all things!

Hang on ... Wait a second, this parchment isn't blank it says: _'Last Will and Testament of Gideon Prewett'_, on it.

_FABIAN. How could you write on my will._

You do know you're supposed to write a will BEFORE you die right?

_Oh, pish posh._

Huh?

_You say potato, I say tomato._

Now I'm totally lost.

Oh I think I know what's going on. Gideon, did you eat those muffins from my room? Because there - uh- was a little more than muffin mix in them.

_Oooh muffins. You got anymore ... Mmmmmmmmmm._

I take that as a yes.

_THE PEANUT IS MINE._

Peanut? Oh, the sofa one. Fine, have it. It's about the same size as your brain anyway.

_Mine is bigger than yours._

Gid, I do hope we're still talking about your brain.

_Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies._

*laughs*

What a numpty. Guys, don't take anything my bro is saying too seriously he isn't in his right mind now.

Before I forget, what I wanted to tell you lot is that to stop 'Shipping' - as you call it –me with Lucius, Hermione, Marlene Mckinnon and Dorcas Meadows.

For one, Lucius Malfoy is: a guy, a Malfoy and a Death Eater. Defo no romance booming there.

Hermione Granger was barely a baby when I died. Need I say more?

As for Marlene, she was a beautiful, powerful witch. Not to mention kick-ass Order member. I was never in love with her but Travers deserves to hang fifty times over for killing the Mckinnons.

As for Dorcas, I was never in love with her either. But there was something between Gideon and her. She too was a respected greatly powerful witch, after all there is a reason Voldemort killed her himself.

**Sincerely, Fabian Prewett.**


	106. Molly Weasley II

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I just wanted to say "Hello" and introduce myself to all of you.

Not many people seem to know that I even exist, so this is my coming out. No, not that sort of coming out. The only closet I will ever go in is the one that will take me to Narnia.

Also, so nobody gets confused, I'm 'Little Munchkin Molly' - as my uncle Ron likes to annoyingly call me - daughter of Percy and Audrey Weasley.

What is a Munchkin anyway? Do any of you know?

I'll have to make a point of researching that when I next visit the library, which incidentally should be later this afternoon.

No rest for the wicked and all.

Not that I am wicked. Well, I'm not wicked in the evil sense of the word. I'm wicked as in the super duper cool as a cucumber sort of wicked. Understand? ... Ah, I guess not. I did say wicked an unnaturally amount of times that even I had to re-read what I wrote.

In regard to your "Fanfictions," all I want straightened out is that: Guys (and girls) I know you really, REALLY seem to love writing about romantic endeavours involving me and a number of my cousins, but I'd appreciate it if you could slow down on that front. The Weasleys are close but not _that_ close. We're not Targaryens.

I also should mention that I read my dear cousin Loo-Loo's letter, especially the parts concerning me and dearest Louis was ever so misleading, as per usual when it comes to me.

For starters, I may not be as amazing as my grandmother but I am honoured that she is my namesake. Frankly, I am surprised the name was still available by the time I was born, what with all the Weasleys and Potters being born. But I am proud to be a Molly and hope to leave my own legacy and do my name proud.

Also, Louis should not have disregarded the book Dad gave him. If only he knew what is was worth. Many a library would give their left arm and leg for it.

And yes, I wanted the book. In fact I still want it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've never understood the stigma surrounding History of Magic. The past has a wealth of knowledge which we can expand upon or learn from.

In fact uncle Harry would never have defeated Voldemort if Albus Dumbledore hadn't delved into the past of Voldemort.

Which is also why I love my name. The ties it has to the past and present.

With cousins called: Lily Luna, James Sirus, Albus Severus and Fred Weasley it's like history is repeating itself.

Wait, NO ... scratch that. All my cousins' namesakes were murdered. Definitely don't want that part of history to repeat.

Let me rephrase: it's like they're alive through those named after them.

I will end with exposing the real reason Louis detests me so - as you read in his letter. You see he used to have a crush on me. When he was six he gave me a yellow lollypop smiled shyly and proposed to me with a gummy ring. I declined of course, in the nicest possible way, and I guess he's disliked me ever since. It may also be because he thinks I told everyone about it, but I pinkie swear I never.

I would wager it was James. I remember that week uncle George had been complaining about someone swiping some puking pasties and extendable ears from his stash. James also visited his shop that week.

I don't want to end on a downer so I will say that if you must write about me being romantically involved with someone, why not Lysander Scamander. He's an awesome guy, loves History of magic too, and is one of those guys that really listen when you talk.

Lysander also sees me. Other people only see the bookworm, the stickler for rules, the academic. But he cares. I'm not too sure what he thinks of me, romantically speaking, but you can't stop a girl from dreaming!

Oh and no, I'm not a junkie who developed an overzealous drug habit due to exam stress. Drugs are bad. BAD. Stay away.

Try yoga or origami, or something. That way you won't end up with bad teeth.

I invested in a magical stress ball. They're cheap.

**Sincerely, Molly Weasley II.**

P.S. I don't date people twenty years my senior. Seriously, Theodore Nott? I've never even met the guy.


	107. Roxanne Weasley

_Disclaimer: This entire magical world belongs solely to J.K Rowling. I own nothing._

* * *

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Roxanne Weasley here, but you can call me Roxy.

Foxy Roxy.

*scratches air with invisible claws*

_Meow!_

Damn. Wrong animal. What noise does a fox make anyway ...?

Blood heck. You know what, on second thoughts scratch the 'Foxy' bit.

Roxy's just fine.

*insert the Russian accent of Alexander the Meerkat*

_Simples._

You can also call me 'Rox' if you like, but it does make me sound like a brick.

I actually prefer that to Anne at any rate. Anne makes me sound like some medieval noble Lady. And I don't fancy getting my head cut off anytime soon. Eeek. That Henry was a bit of a Drama King!

Well, moving on, I know I'm not a bloody parrot but I do have to repeat this: Stop with all the cousincest. I really _don't_ go slack jawed and gooey-eyed everytime I look at: Molly, Lily, Dominique, Lucy, Albus, Hugo, James, Victoire or Louis.

So no, fortunately I am not in love with any of my cuzzies.

I know, I know, you're all terribly upset. But you'll get over it. Won't you?

As for Fred, don't even go there. Ever. Those waters will remain uncharted. O_O

You know when I see that pairing, I do get quite alarmed. You'll be interested to know, I heard St. Mungo's has made a new ward, so there is space for all of you there. Feel free to make your way there. Quickly.

And as for the non-family members you constantly pair me with, I am not pining after or secretly in love with:

1.) Little Malfoy Jr. a.k.a Scorpius Malfoy. (_He's a Slythern for Fawkes sake. Plus the only girl he looks at twice is Rose. Besides, I have a thing called loyalty and standards._)

2.) Lee Jordan. (_Uncle Lee is a cool guy, I get it. But he's old enough to be my Dad. Besides, you clearly don't know George Weasley if you think he wouldn't blast Lee into a thousand pieces if he so much as blinked in my direction. So yeah, definitely not going to happen._)

3.) Teddy Lupin. (_Ted is practically my cousin. He's a riot but what with everything going on with him and Vic, his life has turned into a bloody soap opera!_)

4.) The Ferret. (_PAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_)

*laughs*

*laughs harder*

I actually feel sorry for the guy. He's been paired with everyone under the sun, both male and female. Sucks to be him.

5.) Lorcan Scamander. (_He's a nice kid, but hunting Nargles isn't exactly my favourite past-time._)

6.) Lysander Scamamder. (_He may be 10 times more awesome than Lorcan, but he's more of the little brother you wished you'd got instead of Fred.)_

Oh, I'm kidding. But I'm sure everyone with a little brother has considered trading them in at one point for a better model. But I love Freddie to bits. Course I do, he's my little bro, despite the fact that we are currently in the middle of a Prank War.

The gauntlet has been thrown down and battle lines have been drawn.

You know I can't exactly remember how it started. I guess it had something to do with last Christmas when we were trying to figure out who is the best prankster in the family – barring out parents of course.

James was the first to blow his own horn. Typically. Fred though it was him, after all he is named after the infamous Fred Weasley and the son of George Weasley. Rose thinks it's her just because she is Rose. Louis even claimed to have some pranking prowess but I've yet to witness anything. Dom got involved too and she's definitely a contender. But of course I know it's me. For a few years I was an only child, and one doesn't grow up with George Weasley for a Dad without learning a thing or fifty.

Hence the beginning of the most epic prank war.

And you know what they say: All's fair in love and pranks!

Rose was the first to start things off with switching all of James and Louis quill ink to invisible ink. The ink is a special kind which appears to work normally and disappears a couple of hours later. So when James handed in his Charms essay, which was essentially blank by the time Flitwick read it, he got a week's detention. Louis accidentally broke his bottle so never had a chance to use his - lucky for him.

But despite being a tame prank it meant James had less time to strike the rest of us, while we all formulated out schemes.

Next to strike was Dominique. She added some permanent blue dye to Rose' shampoo. As you can imagine blue hair doesn't suit our freckled Weasley, who is out for blood now. But interestingly, Rose had been complaining that someone kept using her shampoo, and when her roommate Jenny turned up with blue hair too, we all knew who was responsible.

Funnily enough Rose thinks I was responsible for that prank and set her sights on me. As I found out when I returned to my dormitory to find a Niffer had torn it apart.

James – once his detention finished – invented a spell that makes whoever it is cast upon hiccup uncontrollably everytime someone says their name. Fred and Louis were the unfortunate victims of that prank. It took three days to wear off.

Fred is an expect forger and retaliated by writing a love letter to a stalkerish Hufflepuff that has been infatuated with James for years. Everyday since, the Hufflepuff has been sending love letters and poems back. James is starting to use his invisibility cloak more often as the aforementioned Hufflepuff has started waiting by the Fat Lady Portrait for him.

Louis then snuck into James' dormitory and swiped his invisibility cloak.

Dominique and Rose were the next ones to get hit. Someone had poured some Polyjuice potion into both their morning drink on the day of the Gryffindor-Slytherin match, with each of them turning into the other. Neither of them would sit out the match – as whoever had planned the prank knew – needless to say it was hilarious when Scorpius tried to secretly kiss "Rose" before the game and instead got punched. Needless to say the audience was surprised when an hour into the game Rose and Dom turned back into themselves.

It's actually getting even more out of hand now as the rest of my cousins have got involved. I'm pretty sure Albus was the one who brewed the Polyjuice. I know he had a stash of it he made a while back, so he was involved.

Lily is involved too as I'm sure she was the one responsible for Victoire's face breaking out into pimples and for switching Molly's telescope for one of Dad's boxing telescopes.

As for Hugo, I caught him switching the galleons in James' wallet to Leprechaun gold just before a Hogsmeade outing. I know because I was switching James' Sleeping Draught for an Ageing Draught at the same time.

Well, that's all for now. I've a few more pranks in the mix. One involves Peeves, Firewhiskey and Puking Pasties.

If you need any tips with pranks give me a shout as I am the Queen of Pranks.

**Sincerely, Roxanne Weasley.**

P.S. To prank or not to prank ... that is the question.

*winks*


End file.
